Not what I expected. But not a surprise.

For more context of this story, you should first read: 
Closing a Chapter or Book?
A Book
I want to Remove His Veil

[I wrote the first part of this post on Thursday of this week after calling Byeontae. I did not post it because he had agreed to meet and, if perchance he read it, I thought he might bail on the meeting.] 

Why do I allow myself to be repeatedly pulled into an emotional whirlwind by the same student?
My Pyungtae troubles are rearing their head again. I promised I would call him when I got back from Thailand and I pathetically followed that with, "And I hope you will agree to meet me." On the third attempt he answered with, "Who is this?" (Obviously he had deleted my number and only answered because he didn't know who it was). -Maybe he was hoping it was some elementary aged girl on their summer break...  

The Lord is putting me through the ringer with this guy. Before the semester ended I met with him and got to share the Gospel with him. I've wrestled for months why I care about this kid at all. I did a synopsis of our relationship and his character. The concluding list reads:

liar

pervert

sheep in wolves clothing

liar

fraud

dangerous

misleading

not worth it

liar

predator

arrogant

no honor

terrible reputation

manipulative

dishonorable

a whitewashed tomb

liar

...all qualities I do not want to be associated with. If I could view him as a 'project' I would be able compartmentalize more easily and graciously. I wish I viewed him as such and if I could choose, I wouldn't care about him at all. I would just leave him, and all the trash associated with him, at ATA. I've begrudgedly come to admit that he is not a guy that merits my loyalty or half the effort I've put forth. Yet I care deeply for him. Not just broadly as one of God's lost creations but the Lord has placed a powerful, unfamiliar burden on my heart for him. I am 'drawn to him'. On a human level, he has few qualities that garner a desire for a personal relationship. I've realized that is part of the reason why I cannot give up. I want to show him what a real, mutual relationship looks like. I sense that the majority of his relationships have all been selfishly motivated or obligatory. I see, in that regard, he is trapped. I too was without true friendship, intimate brotherhood until I was 19. A life lived without fellowship is no life at all. 

Another reason I cannot 'cut my losses' is because I want nothing more than for him to know the freeing, life giving, purpose providing experience of a relationship with Jesus includes. I know all non-believers are wanted by God and in need of Jesus' sacrifice. My heart pangs with a desire for Pyungtae to know the salvation and fulfillment only submission to the Gospel brings. Part of me wishes I felt this same engulfing passion for all unbelievers but the truth is that I don't and I couldn't. It would be too painful and exhausting.
It would be like Elva in the Eragon series that is cursed to shield others from their pain and suffering. I see, talk with, think of Pyungtae and am burdened with the longing for him to be a brother. I've come to realize that is a gift from God. Though honestly, I have a hard time viewing it as a 'gift'. It would be easier to just superficially 'love' him, my other students, and friends and just live my life. But NaYoung (a sister that went on the mission trip with me) revealed that God is using me to intercede for him. I find great peace and purpose in that revelation.

Pastor Joel, Jp, Natasha, NaYoung, Elizabeth, HA, Sonya

Before the semester ended I some-what manipulated him into meeting with me. I gave him a deadline to meet and if he met that deadline, I would give him his Final Test Review. Naturally, he disregarded the deadline and I wasn't going to give him the review but I saw an opportunity for ransom. I told him I would give the review to him if he agreed to met with me. In truth, I felt really uncomfortable doing that but it was a bluff. Before I made that his only option, I already committed to myself to give him the review either way. Thankfully, he submitted to the meeting. 

The meeting started off terribly awkward. I kept trying to make small-talk but he was not receptive. I even confessed he was making it difficult to talk to him. But we started working on a project and started conversing more naturally. My entire motivation for coordinating a meeting was to share the Gospel with him. Retrospectively, I did a terrible job. If I had been on his end, I would have doubted that I really knew the Gospel. 

I remember asking him what he thought his purpose in life was and he said, "Finish school. Go to a good college. Get a good job." I told him my purpose was to: "Love God. Love others. And tell them about Jesus. ...And that's what I want to do now." :) -It was awkward for both of us. 

He knew the story of Jesus but didn't know the real reason for Jesus' sacrifice. I asked him how he would define 'sin'. And he said when people do anything against "people's moral standard." I expressed, that sin was anything against God's standard. He claims to be an atheist (if anything). I like that he is at least relatively thoughtful about religion/faith. At one point I asked him why religion is so important to so many people and he said, "I think you will be offended but..."
I wish I hadn't, but I interrupted him and said, "To be be honest, I don't respect you enough to be offended by what you say..." -Maybe I should have held that back?  

After 2+ hours of talking I asked if I could pray for us and he said, "If it would make you feel better." I thought that was funny. 

I wanted to get him a Korean-English Bible but when I was shopping I didn't like any of the options I found. His English is really 'big' so I got him a Study Bible in English (I liked it so much I got myself one too). I think he would like it. He has an analytical mind and is 'left-brained'. When I asked him to tell me what he thought about Christianity his answer was systematic and academic. I want so badly for the scales to fall from his eyes so he can see the sin in his life that is enslaving his life. I highlighted and marked the order of the "Roman Road".
I highlighted some of my favorite verses. I wrote him a letter that said if he didn't read anything, to just read John. I pray that if he reads John just once the power of the Word will soften his hardened heart. I did not show him the Gospel well. I did not explain to him the Gospel well. But the Word is powerful! I pray that that Book is sitting in his room calling him, pulling his attention and thoughts to opening God's Word. 

The Wednesday I left ATA for Thailand I only said bye to one student (not Byeontae). Saying bye to that one kid was too emotional so I just left. I felt like a huge coward.

Kyuho was the only student I got to say a proper goodbye to. 

Correction, I was a huge coward. I wrote most of the kids an individual goodbye note and left the letters, along with Byeontae's Bible, to give to them after I left. 

[Of all the kids I wrote a letter to, only two kids responded saying thank you. Most hurtful was neither of those two were my mentees. I didn't write the letters so that they would email me but I just think it is surprising and rude. Especially Byeontae though. I mean I wrote him a thoughtful and personal letter and I gave him a gift... also, when he went out of the country a few weeks ago I made him a package of goodies and he is such a prick that he can't say thank you or even acknowledge that something was given to him. His response (or lack of one) proves how self-entitled and self-absorbed he is. I know I sound like a girl but thankfully, when I gave each of those gifts (the travel gifts, the letter, and Bible) my motivation was to minister to him. Trying to reach out in love not friendship. And a gift should not come with any expectation of reciprocation. But still... my mom gave me a freaking Rubics Cube one time for Christmas and I still thanked her. I make fun of her to this day for it but I thanked her.]  

I thought of Byeontae often while in Thailand. I talked about him (and my other kids) so often I annoyed some of the people in my group. My heart breaks for him. If nothing, I hope he knows that I truly love him. I know I have been rude to him at times but I believe I was always honest with him. The founder of the organization we worked with in Thailand said we are called to "preach the good news" not convert (Luke 4:18-19). So even if I feel as though I 'failed' Byeontae, I trust that God will continue to call him to himself. If I never see or talk with Byeontae again, I hope to see him in heaven. I selfishly want to experience a mutual, brotherly relationship with him but if that is not in the cards, "The Lord's will be done." He is always right and always perfect. 

[Today after our 10 minute lunch. The experience was not pleasant.] 

First, he gave me terrible directions that read: "Go out at exit number 2 and walk straight down."
Normally that means the place is within a block, maybe two, of the station. I walked for a couple of blocks and called him. He said it was about 10 minutes from the subway station so I kept going... until the street ended. 

My initial thought was, This kid is standing me up leading me on a wild-goose chase. It turns out the place was around the corner, behind a building, in some alley. We sat down for 'lunch' at 1:20 when he informed me he had to leave at 1:30. Followed by [not a direct quotation]:

"I wanted to meet with you to say at the beginning I really liked you but after a month and the words you said, I started to hate you. And that I do not want to meet you any more." 

I asked him what words I said that hurt him. His answer was me classifying him as a child molester. 

That I did. And I do not regret it. I believe him to truly be a child molester. 

He said I was the only one that called he that when other people did not seem to care that he (an 18 year old man) was manipulating a 13 year old in a romantic and physical relationship. I adamantly assured him that I was not the only one calling him a child molester but I was the only one who cared enough for him to tell him to his face what others were murmuring being his back. And when I called him a child molester, I did not say it publicly in an aggressive or demeaning way. I remember I said to him in private (in a relative whisper to soften the blow), "I think you are a child molester."

My motivation was to 'strike' him with the the truth. And if it hurt him... that should be expected. 

I understand being called a molester is not on most people's 'Bucket List'. Unchanging I reminded him it was the truth and I didn't regret it. I made a parallel saying, "If I rapped somebody and people started calling me a rapist, I had no right to be offended. It would be the truth."
If somebody called me a child molester I would just say, "Ok?" Because I have never molested a child so there is no power in that accusation.  

He then pathetically spiralled into justifications for his perversion. Listing a list of people that said it was okay for him to take advantage of the minor girl. I was disheartened to hear his family on his list of supporters of him dating the child (which contradicts what was said earlier this semester in a conversation with the students involved, their respective parents, and the school admin.).

I don't know what they believe but parents often overlook the sin and failings of their children. And in Korea I'm learning parents will lie outright to 'save face'.  “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.” -Proverbs 27:5

Truthfully I always had a voice in my head questioning, "You are just overreacting." "He just made a mistake." "He is too young to be a molester."

But his actions again today just reiterated the truth:
If you are an adult taking advantage of a 13 year old child, you are a child molester. 

If you lie, over and over, about being in a relationship with a child, you know you are doing wrong. 

If you continue to 'date' a child in secret after telling others you had broken up, you are a dangerous predator. 

Don't perpetrators always justify their 'love' for children. While he was chasing after his excuses today, a queazy feeling bellowed in my stomach. It revealed to me that no matter how much I wish he weren't a predator, he does and says everything a predator does and says. 

When I was in Thailand I was told that Korean men were the number one consumers in the sex tourist industry in most Southeast Asian nations. And I immediately thought of Byeontae. It's a real likelihood that this student that I sincerely love will someday go to Thailand and buy and rape young children. My idea of him now is that he is just a lost, confused little boy but I need to come to terms that he is an adult already guiltlessly abusing children today. 

I am surprised and some-what grateful for our ten minute lunch. He could have just dumped me in an email or on the phone. (Though he didn't have to ruin my Saturday evening by having walk around in the humid Korean summer for 30 minutes looking for him.) When we separated he said, "See you later." I asked if that was a promise. Things are not looking too hopeful now but who knows. I hope to see him again. His mom was waiting for him outside the restaurant like a getaway driver. The meeting was surreal. I told him I wanted to better discuss his thoughts and feelings. I looked back when he was waking away and it was as if he was boldly yet blindly walking down a dark, suffocating tunnel with no end. 

My heart is open but my hands are hiding

afraid I'll feel you dying 

I wish that I could touch your soul but I'm just another man 

There's not much I can do.

I do not regret calling him a child molester nor do I believe I was wrong. His sexual perversions is something he is going to have to address at some point in his life. We all need to be rebuked and it is never easy. I am saddened that when I tried to show him true friendship and accountability he just cut-and-ran. I wish I had more friends in Korea that would call me out and expose my sin.  I am trying to find comfort in the promises of God and he says:

“Speak these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you." -Titus 2:15

-I am sad that he now 'hates me'. But I find confidence and peace that his feelings is the result of me doing what is right.  

“Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.” -Proverbs 9:8

-I want Byeontae to be the second half of this verse. I want him to be wise and to understand my motivation was to protect his victim and him.
“He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.” Proverbs 17:10

-'His soul' ...That is what concerns me the most. The state of his soul... I feel I have failed him. 

“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." -Proverbs 29:15

-He is not receiving wisdom. The chains of his enslavement are tightening. And the consequences of his sexual inclinations will surely bring shame to him, his family, and everyone he loves and values.