Closing a Chapter or Book?

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The past three weeks brought me through an emotional journey and exposed my biggest professional mistake I’ve made. I’ve felt humiliation, rejection, and disappointment but thankfully, I am confidently resting in joy. The joy that God graciously protects me especially in my weakness.

I don’t want to ‘spare the long story’ because these feelings and experiences are some that I should not forget.

In March my school (broke my contract and) forced me to move onto our campus. Already, I live in BFE and my job consumes the majority of my week. Therefore I was not looking forward to physically living thirty yards from my classroom. I have no separation in my life. Personal and professional areas have blended together to where I’ve lost any hint of an independent life. Retrospectively, I see that my job’s emotional and time consumption skewed my personal judgment. The environment is unarguably unhealthy. 

 

Usually I jet out off campus as soon as I possibly can on Fridays after lunch but five weeks ago I was here on a Friday night. Coincidentally, so was one of my students (I will call him Byeontae). I wanted to get to know him better so I asked him to town. The majority of the out-of-class time I spend personally with my students still feels like I am working. I was nervous about inviting Byeontae to dinner. I had only talked with him once before and I just wanted to be kind. The evening out with him was far easier then I was expecting. I am a terrible socializer. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in failed attempts to make conversation. But talking with Byeontae, it was effortless and natural. So much so that I asked to meet him the following weekend.

The Han River is my favorite place in all of Seoul and the cherry blossoms were supposed to have bloomed. Byeontae and I made plans to go walking and to play badminton. We didn’t end up going to the cheery blossoms or playing badminton, we just walked along the Han for hours. I calculated we walked around ten miles. During our time, I felt like I was talking to one of my old ‘brothers’ back in Texas. I started to perceive him not as my student but rather as a friend. I know that failure was solely my mistake. And that is the professional misadventure I’ve painfully learned.

I remember when we were about to separate I told him I was struggling with how I classify our interactions. I hadn’t treated him as a student and honestly, and I didn’t want to. I thought that I had met someone (unfortunately ten years younger than me) and could build a relationship similar the ones I miss back home. A relationship I am lacking here.
Strangely though, while we were at the Han one of my Middle School girls was continually texting him. I teased him a little but shortly after, promised to stop because ‘I know nothing is going on…’

Well, I was wrong. It turns out that they were dating. In my mind, I cannot honestly fathom that. How could this guy that I liked so much, that I found so interesting and challenging, that I respected and thought highly of… How could this 18 year old man pursue a relationship with a 13 year old girl?!!? I asked him the same thing and he assured me they were ‘just close friends’. To that I asked, “Why?!” How can an 18 year old man be close friends with a Middle School girl?!

Though his actions scream something contrary, I believed him. It is a little pathetic, but this girl has had a little crush on 80% of the boys in our school. However, all the older guys in the past have naturally said you’re too young in response to her advances.
And that's what I thought it was. I thought the girl was pursuing Byeontae and he was just too kindhearted to tell her to buzz off. Again, I was wrong. He and I were still periodically socializing while they were dating but I just thought she was a crush that he couldn’t shake. I now see that my affection for him blinded me to his true character and the reality of the situation. 

In the following weeks they continued dating yet I was (weekly) telling him he was wrong. And he habitually lied to me reassuring me that "they were not dating" or "were no longer dating". I don’t blame the girl for liking him at all. I, 100% and full heartedly, put the blame on him: the man, the adult. I am satisfied that I did everything I could to clearly communicate to him that what he was doing was morally wrong, manipulative, dishonorable, and perverted. Clearly, he did not care. My biggest regret is that I didn’t officially bring my fears to the administration. I sincerely feel the girl is at risk and I view Byeontae as a real, dangerous predator taking advantage of her. I feel powerless to do anything.
I see now that the reason I didn’t tell the administration earlier was because I was trying to protect him and our ‘friendship’. I’ve since learned that it wasn’t only me encouraging them to stop. The administration had known about it longer than I and had known more about it then I had. 

I asked him one time what his parents must think of him dating a 13 year old child. He said they wouldn’t care as long as he was respectful. I think the fact that he is cruely taking advantage of her lacks real respect. I see now that he was just lying to me (again). If I had an 18 year old son dating a child, I would beat the hell out him. And if my 7^th grade daughter was dating an 18 year old man, I would take her out of the school.
I am also confused with why the others students don't harass him about it? Sadly, I think they don't care about him or her. I'm pretty sure I would have been making fun of any senior in the class of 2004 if they were dating a 7th grader!
Byeontae is new to our school and this situation makes me wonder why he left his former, more reputable school. I asked him twice before why he transferred midway through his senior year and he was slightly evasive. The answer he gave me seemed strange so I wonder if he is hiding something. Maybe he got in trouble for molesting a younger student at his old school?
I don't know what to think anymore. 

In the past three weeks my relationship with Byeontae has completely deteriorated. I battle to even look at him without feeling squeeze. When I see him and the child together, heat radiates in my chest and I clench my fist… and I just want to punch him in the face. But I can’t do that.
I can’t even look at him… I don't know if I’ve ever knowingly seen such a dangerous situation and felt so incapable of fixing it.

The most confusing truth is that I still really like him. I am conflicted because when I think of him, I see a perverted liar that pretends to be a respectable person. Yet selfishly, I’m torn because I still want to spend time with him and I deeply value the time we spent together. But I can’t get past the fact that he thinks it is justifiable to date little girls. Even if they break up (which I have been praying everyday, multiple times a day, that they do), I cannot vindicate him claiming it was an innocent mistake. He made an intentional decision that he still defends.

Three weeks ago I was assigned to work one-on-one with him for a specific department within the school. When we went to vote for my new student-leader, everybody voted for him except me (and one other). I withheld because I had already started to feel repulsed by him. I tried my best to work with him because I think as a teacher; you never want to ‘give up’ on a kid. In Texas I know I taught criminals, mental cases, perverts, losers, druggies, drug dealers, etc. but I thought that it was my job to love and serve them despite what they’ve done. But I felt like working for him was the same as condoning his perverse behavior.

I liken it to my presidential votes. I’ve been able to vote in three presidential elections and with each ballot I cast, I am extremely proud of how I voted. Even though 66% of them lost, I wouldn’t have changed which circle I bubbled (or what name I wrote in). But I am embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with him. Earlier this week I resigned from my position. I think he knew it was coming because I had told him when I was first assigned to him that I didn’t vote for him and felt uncomfortable being around him. Before I quit, I met with him hoping to explain my position. The explanation turned into a two-hour conversation. I feel justified in how I’ve treated him. I was as honest and faithful as I know how to be.

As a teacher, I failed him because I put unfair expectations on him.
As a ‘friend’, I treated him better than he treated me. (And that is expected because: 1. It was inappropriate to consider him a ‘friend’. 2. He obviously isn’t the type of person worth my trust and respect.)
As a person, I just want to kick him in the testicles until he doesn’t have a predilection for anyone ever again.
As a Christian I don't know how to treat him. I pray that I treat him with respect and that I love and try to ‘forgive’ him (but I don’t know what I need to forgive him of? Selfishly I feel betrayed. But I it is wrong of me to feel that. How do I forgive him of taking advantage of a child? That isn’t my role? And he is still taking advantage of her?). I do pray that he and I have a healthy relationship no matter what the context.
-One of my friends I confessed this whole situation to humbly delivered a blow to the scrotum by this rebuke: “Just as inappropriate it is for him to date the child, it is equally as inappropriate that you’ve befriended a student.”
I tried to defend myself but that truth has freed myself of some of the desire to maintain a friendship with Byeontae.

The most confusing part is that if this whole situation hadn’t happened I truly feel like I would have found a ‘brother’ to 'do life with'. It is hard to explain but I related and conversed with him comparably as I do with my ‘best bffs’. I know that is why I feel so hurt by the whole situation.

The Lord is faithful. I am humiliated by my professional misstep but I'm grateful for the correction. I do feel the Lord is changing my heart towards him. I think I will forgive his betrayal in time (if there is a future to our friendship). But I don't know how to approach his... inclination. How do I compartmentalize that?

Accidentally Cultured

 It is sad how I’ve come across pieces of classical literature or art. I’ve blogged once before about how I learned ‘To Thine own self be true…” was in fact an original line from Shakespeare and not a Reba McEntire song. It was also through pop-culture that I learned of the poem by John Donne: No Man Is An Island.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

I first heard that poem referenced in the Hugh Grant movie, ‘About A Boy’. The truth that no man is an island was echoed after I read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I always felt it a weakness to need others or anything. I was conflicted because I knew I was one of the neediest people created. No Man is an Island beautifully illustrates how willing or unwilling we are all connected. We are all part of the whole. That is humbling and empowering. I am not weak because I want a friend’s trust, a brother’s intimacy, an employer’s honesty, or a yorkie’s forced kisses… The poem speaks of universal connectivity… I interpret it (at this stage in my life) as a pass on needing others. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together applies a pungent spiritual truth to this aching need I struggle with. He says that fellowship is not essential to a relationship with Christ, rather it is a blessing and helps maintain a relationship with the Lord. 

I’ve been troubled by my need to need for the past couple of weeks. Then, through a series of events, my need for intimacy and how it impaired my judgment was cautiously revealed.
I am not ashamed to confess that I have few real friends here in Korea. And I do not use the word friend lightly. I reserve it for my most intimate and genuine relationships. I have many acquaintances or ‘friends from work’ but in Korea, I don’t have ‘people to do life with’. Bonhoeffer’s profound truth sucks to realize.

My school encourages us to build intimate relationships with the kids and that is one philosophy I enthusiastically accept. If I were to read about my life in a book or watch my story played out on a depressing, poorly scripted drama, I would think my character quite pathetic. I have little outside of my job. I give too much to a machine that just consumes. And honestly, I am okay with that. My hope is that, in the future I will have a family or a dog at least that desires more of my attention thus limiting the amount of energy I give my job. But as it is now, that is not in the cards for me so I look at my kids and classes as my foremost obligation.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my students to dinner and a movie. We had a couple more meals together and socialized on the weekend. And through our time together I started to view him as my ‘friend’ rather than my student. It was confusing for me because I naturally compartmentalize people and relationships. Professionally I’ve always tried to connect with kids that I’m drawn to while maintaining an appropriate distance. It was easier in the States because socializing outside of school was culturally not acceptable. But here my school and the parents encourage spending extra time with the students.

Through our personal time together I started to view and converse with this student as a peer rather than his teacher. And I intentionally chose to consider him a friend foremost and a student second. Retrospectively, that was a mistake. I let my personal relationship cloud my perception of him. In the previous weeks he engaged in behavior I could not understand or condone. Mistakes are mistakes and I could forgive a friend for making mistakes but he was untruthful with me. That is a quality I struggle to forgive in a friend. Students lie all the time, and I forgive them. It’s hard to trust them again, but I forgive. And the mistakes that he made causes me to question his true character and integrity.

I blame myself for my poor decision. I allowed my job to consume too much and blind me. I need separation from my school. I hate living there and physically being at work from Sunday to Friday. It is unhealthy and effecting my judgment and attitude.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about my predicament and he said it was inappropriate for me to consider not only a student a friend but an 18 year old my friend. I think he is right. Though I justify my actions thinking, my student was different.

I was (and am) not happy having to experience the pain and confusion this ordeal has brought me but I do like that I’ve learned invaluable lessons.
1. I need a pet. I need something outside of work to give my attention to.
2. I must separate my work life and my real life.
3. I will be more cautious when considering ‘friends’.  

"No Man is an Island..." Hugh Grant tries to maintain his independence while justifying his connection with others by saying, "Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island chains. Underneath, they are connected..." I will settle for that.