"Part of a main."

While I was home this past summer I received a lot to mull over. Most significant and pertinent is the context and health of most of my relationships.

Family: Earlier this year while I was here in Korea my Grandmother got cancer and quickly declined. Not being home to say goodbye or to go to her funeral was very difficult. I hate that I've missed things like that but it still isn't enough to bring me back home. While I was home this summer I got to see my Miss y Baby, VaLa, Mom, Dad, Prejean, grandparents, (some) cousins, aunts/uncles... and it all felt the same. Healthy, natural; as if we just picked up where we left off. I think it is a pathetic reflection of my warped, misdirected affections that I miss Miss Berkely more than anyone else. I want to reserve the 'L-word' for only the most deserving and Miss without question qualifies. I LOVE MISS!!!
I got to spend a good amount of time with my VaLa before she had to start school. Dan and everyone else were mostly preparing for school... like usual. It is self-absorbed but I felt like maybe the world should halt because I was home. It was good physically seeing and talking with my family but it was just as it was when I left.
I feel, on the family front, I am at the same intimacy level as I was pre-Korea.
[The exception is my Miss. My feels have only grown stronger. ;)]

Hardin Family: I actually felt jealous while I was back in Hardin. I feel like they have all grown-on without me. Jonesey went off and got knocked up and didn't even ask what I thought the spawns name should be. And they are growing uncomfortably close to my replacement. Some (Mealer) closer than others... But dinner with them was one of my favorite times. I felt like there was a bubble of love and camaraderie engulfing our Chilie's table. I wanted to teach in Korea but with them. Just transport our 'Department of the Century' to Korea. We would be unstoppable. Like the planeteers.
I wonder what powers our rings would hold?
Without a doubt Keys would be 'Heart.' She already pretends to possess the ability to talk to non-human animals.
Mealer and Jonesey... I am not sure what they are most qualified for?
Me... my ring would fire. I like to burn things. But that power doesn't enflame much potential to do good other than provide entertainment.
I imagine Mealer fighting for the 'wind' ring. So he could push people down without having to touch them.
Jones... I keep imaging her as the lady lumberjack she dressed up as for our Department Christmas cards. So I will give her 'earth.'
Either way, 'as our powers combined' we would definitely call our Captain Marberries. Decked out in white in red tights with slick-backed green hair.
I miss them.

I also got to see some of my old students. That was refreshing. I miss some of them. It is needy to want to mean something to them. I just hope that they felt that I cared/care for them.

Friends:
This area of my emotional life was most tricky and confusing.
I met up with some of my closest SFA-friends for an impromtu-road trip. This was the first time I started to feel like I must have changed a lot. I didn't really enjoy the trip. I was glad to see them and I wanted to talk with them. But maybe I was in a bad mood or we just were... off but I didn't enjoy the trip. Well, parts of it. I felt like I was meeting some of my closest friends, people I most genuinely love, for the first time. I didn't really know how to communicate with them. Especially not as intimately and naturally as I could in the past. Instinctively I want to blame them but it happened too often for it to be others.

Being here has terminated (to some degree) many relationships. And in all honesty, I don't think that is a bad thing. Relationships take work and if the players aren't continually together, it takes effort to maintain a deep level of intimacy and community. I thought I was intentional in maintaining specific relationships but maybe some relationships (even if you don't want them to be) are just 'seasonal.'
I wanted to meet up with others more but their schedules didn't really allow it. To be honest I was hurt by that. I thought, "I haven't seen you in over a year! Make time for me!" I thought that if they wanted to, they could find time. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to feed into dying friendships?

Even with my best friend... I couldn't relate to him. A lot has changed for both of us over the past year and 'one' half. It was my weekend with him that revealed how much I have changed. The scary thing is that our relationship has always been firmly based off Christ. So I wonder how far from God I must have drifted if I couldn't even slightly relate to him?

I am not sure what my intent is with saying this. I think it is the most significant thing I learned while I was home and I've spent a lot of time thinking about since then.

My time at Camp and with Jason/Jenny was when I felt most... continuous. As if a year away from my 'real life' didn't effect us at all. They still had Fat-ass and even added to the problem but I still enjoyed my time with them. And that is probably why I stayed with them for the majority of my time in Texas.

"No man is an island"

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


John Donne

What else can I do?

I’m now starting my sixteenth month here. I feel lucky to have been able to go home twice since I started here. My first visit home was for a friend’s wedding and though I was happy to be there going home at that time was s huge mistake. It was very rushed, exhausting and expensive. In a strange way I learned how to go home and that emotional sacrifices will be inevitable. My second trip to The State was better. Mostly because I had six full weeks back home. Towards the end of the six weeks I was bored, out of money and ready to come back. Not working was fun at first but then I just started to feel useless. And I spent an American amount of money on food. But I don’t regret that at all!

One day when my sister and I were in Fredericksburg helping my mom clean/prepare her classroom for the upcoming school year. Doing that reaffirmed that I do not want to come back and teach in the States right now. Also just seeing American kids out in public was a turn off. I liked teaching back home but after being here I don’t feel it is worth it. It is too hard. So much is invested with little return. Plus it always felt like an uphill battle. However, while I was back in Texas I felt like I was home. And I felt, ‘this is who I am and where I was made to be.’ So I started thinking about other careers I could pursue in Texas outside of teaching. The best I could come up with was Starbucks.
I even went by and talked with a Navy and Air Force recruiter.

In all honesty my main motivation for wanting to go back is to get married and start a family. I don’t foresee myself marrying a Korean but I do want Korean kids… So living in a country that is 98% Korean poses a problem in the spousal department. But I could easily sneak away a couple of cute Korean buttons in my pocket if adoption doesn’t work out. I don’t feel old, and I am not too concerned, but I’m 25 and feel like the next step is to ‘settle down.’ But whatever happens will happen.

All those professional and procreation pulls attracting me back home faded away on my first Monday back. I was on my way to my bus stop and saw all the awkward Korean students in their undersized school uniforms on their way to school. And an internal peace engulfed my heart. I want to have a family and I want to be back home (mostly so I can eat bbq and Mexican food) but I don’t want any of those enough to leave here just yet.

Re-Start

A lot has happened since May. I want to do this better. I will try.