"Part of a main."

While I was home this past summer I received a lot to mull over. Most significant and pertinent is the context and health of most of my relationships.

Family: Earlier this year while I was here in Korea my Grandmother got cancer and quickly declined. Not being home to say goodbye or to go to her funeral was very difficult. I hate that I've missed things like that but it still isn't enough to bring me back home. While I was home this summer I got to see my Miss y Baby, VaLa, Mom, Dad, Prejean, grandparents, (some) cousins, aunts/uncles... and it all felt the same. Healthy, natural; as if we just picked up where we left off. I think it is a pathetic reflection of my warped, misdirected affections that I miss Miss Berkely more than anyone else. I want to reserve the 'L-word' for only the most deserving and Miss without question qualifies. I LOVE MISS!!!
I got to spend a good amount of time with my VaLa before she had to start school. Dan and everyone else were mostly preparing for school... like usual. It is self-absorbed but I felt like maybe the world should halt because I was home. It was good physically seeing and talking with my family but it was just as it was when I left.
I feel, on the family front, I am at the same intimacy level as I was pre-Korea.
[The exception is my Miss. My feels have only grown stronger. ;)]

Hardin Family: I actually felt jealous while I was back in Hardin. I feel like they have all grown-on without me. Jonesey went off and got knocked up and didn't even ask what I thought the spawns name should be. And they are growing uncomfortably close to my replacement. Some (Mealer) closer than others... But dinner with them was one of my favorite times. I felt like there was a bubble of love and camaraderie engulfing our Chilie's table. I wanted to teach in Korea but with them. Just transport our 'Department of the Century' to Korea. We would be unstoppable. Like the planeteers.
I wonder what powers our rings would hold?
Without a doubt Keys would be 'Heart.' She already pretends to possess the ability to talk to non-human animals.
Mealer and Jonesey... I am not sure what they are most qualified for?
Me... my ring would fire. I like to burn things. But that power doesn't enflame much potential to do good other than provide entertainment.
I imagine Mealer fighting for the 'wind' ring. So he could push people down without having to touch them.
Jones... I keep imaging her as the lady lumberjack she dressed up as for our Department Christmas cards. So I will give her 'earth.'
Either way, 'as our powers combined' we would definitely call our Captain Marberries. Decked out in white in red tights with slick-backed green hair.
I miss them.

I also got to see some of my old students. That was refreshing. I miss some of them. It is needy to want to mean something to them. I just hope that they felt that I cared/care for them.

Friends:
This area of my emotional life was most tricky and confusing.
I met up with some of my closest SFA-friends for an impromtu-road trip. This was the first time I started to feel like I must have changed a lot. I didn't really enjoy the trip. I was glad to see them and I wanted to talk with them. But maybe I was in a bad mood or we just were... off but I didn't enjoy the trip. Well, parts of it. I felt like I was meeting some of my closest friends, people I most genuinely love, for the first time. I didn't really know how to communicate with them. Especially not as intimately and naturally as I could in the past. Instinctively I want to blame them but it happened too often for it to be others.

Being here has terminated (to some degree) many relationships. And in all honesty, I don't think that is a bad thing. Relationships take work and if the players aren't continually together, it takes effort to maintain a deep level of intimacy and community. I thought I was intentional in maintaining specific relationships but maybe some relationships (even if you don't want them to be) are just 'seasonal.'
I wanted to meet up with others more but their schedules didn't really allow it. To be honest I was hurt by that. I thought, "I haven't seen you in over a year! Make time for me!" I thought that if they wanted to, they could find time. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to feed into dying friendships?

Even with my best friend... I couldn't relate to him. A lot has changed for both of us over the past year and 'one' half. It was my weekend with him that revealed how much I have changed. The scary thing is that our relationship has always been firmly based off Christ. So I wonder how far from God I must have drifted if I couldn't even slightly relate to him?

I am not sure what my intent is with saying this. I think it is the most significant thing I learned while I was home and I've spent a lot of time thinking about since then.

My time at Camp and with Jason/Jenny was when I felt most... continuous. As if a year away from my 'real life' didn't effect us at all. They still had Fat-ass and even added to the problem but I still enjoyed my time with them. And that is probably why I stayed with them for the majority of my time in Texas.

"No man is an island"

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


John Donne