"Part of a main."

While I was home this past summer I received a lot to mull over. Most significant and pertinent is the context and health of most of my relationships.

Family: Earlier this year while I was here in Korea my Grandmother got cancer and quickly declined. Not being home to say goodbye or to go to her funeral was very difficult. I hate that I've missed things like that but it still isn't enough to bring me back home. While I was home this summer I got to see my Miss y Baby, VaLa, Mom, Dad, Prejean, grandparents, (some) cousins, aunts/uncles... and it all felt the same. Healthy, natural; as if we just picked up where we left off. I think it is a pathetic reflection of my warped, misdirected affections that I miss Miss Berkely more than anyone else. I want to reserve the 'L-word' for only the most deserving and Miss without question qualifies. I LOVE MISS!!!
I got to spend a good amount of time with my VaLa before she had to start school. Dan and everyone else were mostly preparing for school... like usual. It is self-absorbed but I felt like maybe the world should halt because I was home. It was good physically seeing and talking with my family but it was just as it was when I left.
I feel, on the family front, I am at the same intimacy level as I was pre-Korea.
[The exception is my Miss. My feels have only grown stronger. ;)]

Hardin Family: I actually felt jealous while I was back in Hardin. I feel like they have all grown-on without me. Jonesey went off and got knocked up and didn't even ask what I thought the spawns name should be. And they are growing uncomfortably close to my replacement. Some (Mealer) closer than others... But dinner with them was one of my favorite times. I felt like there was a bubble of love and camaraderie engulfing our Chilie's table. I wanted to teach in Korea but with them. Just transport our 'Department of the Century' to Korea. We would be unstoppable. Like the planeteers.
I wonder what powers our rings would hold?
Without a doubt Keys would be 'Heart.' She already pretends to possess the ability to talk to non-human animals.
Mealer and Jonesey... I am not sure what they are most qualified for?
Me... my ring would fire. I like to burn things. But that power doesn't enflame much potential to do good other than provide entertainment.
I imagine Mealer fighting for the 'wind' ring. So he could push people down without having to touch them.
Jones... I keep imaging her as the lady lumberjack she dressed up as for our Department Christmas cards. So I will give her 'earth.'
Either way, 'as our powers combined' we would definitely call our Captain Marberries. Decked out in white in red tights with slick-backed green hair.
I miss them.

I also got to see some of my old students. That was refreshing. I miss some of them. It is needy to want to mean something to them. I just hope that they felt that I cared/care for them.

Friends:
This area of my emotional life was most tricky and confusing.
I met up with some of my closest SFA-friends for an impromtu-road trip. This was the first time I started to feel like I must have changed a lot. I didn't really enjoy the trip. I was glad to see them and I wanted to talk with them. But maybe I was in a bad mood or we just were... off but I didn't enjoy the trip. Well, parts of it. I felt like I was meeting some of my closest friends, people I most genuinely love, for the first time. I didn't really know how to communicate with them. Especially not as intimately and naturally as I could in the past. Instinctively I want to blame them but it happened too often for it to be others.

Being here has terminated (to some degree) many relationships. And in all honesty, I don't think that is a bad thing. Relationships take work and if the players aren't continually together, it takes effort to maintain a deep level of intimacy and community. I thought I was intentional in maintaining specific relationships but maybe some relationships (even if you don't want them to be) are just 'seasonal.'
I wanted to meet up with others more but their schedules didn't really allow it. To be honest I was hurt by that. I thought, "I haven't seen you in over a year! Make time for me!" I thought that if they wanted to, they could find time. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to feed into dying friendships?

Even with my best friend... I couldn't relate to him. A lot has changed for both of us over the past year and 'one' half. It was my weekend with him that revealed how much I have changed. The scary thing is that our relationship has always been firmly based off Christ. So I wonder how far from God I must have drifted if I couldn't even slightly relate to him?

I am not sure what my intent is with saying this. I think it is the most significant thing I learned while I was home and I've spent a lot of time thinking about since then.

My time at Camp and with Jason/Jenny was when I felt most... continuous. As if a year away from my 'real life' didn't effect us at all. They still had Fat-ass and even added to the problem but I still enjoyed my time with them. And that is probably why I stayed with them for the majority of my time in Texas.

"No man is an island"

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


John Donne

What else can I do?

I’m now starting my sixteenth month here. I feel lucky to have been able to go home twice since I started here. My first visit home was for a friend’s wedding and though I was happy to be there going home at that time was s huge mistake. It was very rushed, exhausting and expensive. In a strange way I learned how to go home and that emotional sacrifices will be inevitable. My second trip to The State was better. Mostly because I had six full weeks back home. Towards the end of the six weeks I was bored, out of money and ready to come back. Not working was fun at first but then I just started to feel useless. And I spent an American amount of money on food. But I don’t regret that at all!

One day when my sister and I were in Fredericksburg helping my mom clean/prepare her classroom for the upcoming school year. Doing that reaffirmed that I do not want to come back and teach in the States right now. Also just seeing American kids out in public was a turn off. I liked teaching back home but after being here I don’t feel it is worth it. It is too hard. So much is invested with little return. Plus it always felt like an uphill battle. However, while I was back in Texas I felt like I was home. And I felt, ‘this is who I am and where I was made to be.’ So I started thinking about other careers I could pursue in Texas outside of teaching. The best I could come up with was Starbucks.
I even went by and talked with a Navy and Air Force recruiter.

In all honesty my main motivation for wanting to go back is to get married and start a family. I don’t foresee myself marrying a Korean but I do want Korean kids… So living in a country that is 98% Korean poses a problem in the spousal department. But I could easily sneak away a couple of cute Korean buttons in my pocket if adoption doesn’t work out. I don’t feel old, and I am not too concerned, but I’m 25 and feel like the next step is to ‘settle down.’ But whatever happens will happen.

All those professional and procreation pulls attracting me back home faded away on my first Monday back. I was on my way to my bus stop and saw all the awkward Korean students in their undersized school uniforms on their way to school. And an internal peace engulfed my heart. I want to have a family and I want to be back home (mostly so I can eat bbq and Mexican food) but I don’t want any of those enough to leave here just yet.

Re-Start

A lot has happened since May. I want to do this better. I will try.

"You are here a lot."

I've said this before but one thing I really love about English learners here is that they tend to be more honest and direct because of their limited vocabulary and unfamiliarity with BS-ing in English. I was reminded of this sentiment earlier this past week when I went to the Starbucks I am convicted that I patronize a bit too often.

One of my favorite things to do is to go to the Starbucks and write letters to people. I seriously make a day out of it. I load up my computer/headphones, notebooks, and multiple colored Sharpies and take the subway 30 minutes to the nearest Starbucks at Jugang station. I am so pathetic I know where every electrical outlet in located. I try to get there early enough to claim my favorite spot next to the windows so I can charge my computer while people watch when my hands start to cramp.
I sometimes feel a little embarrassed that I am always there and that enjoy it so much but I don't care. I may have written this before but I have passed some of the Starbucks baristas on the street a couple of times...

I've run into the same chick three different times around Jugang. She is super cute and wears glasses frames even though they do not have lenses in them. (I find that oddly attractive). Anyway, even though our conversations never waded deeper then, "I'll have a venti caramel machioto. Ju si a oh. "
Anyway the first time I saw her on the street I said hello as we passed. She was receptive of my greeting. And so I felt confident I had a new Korean friend. (Even though I do not know her name).
Another time I recognized this guy that works at my Starbucks. As he approached I gave him the casual head-nod and said, "Anyang ha se yo." He slowly walked passed me terrified as if I threatened to rape a teacup Chiwawa. (And I might have. I mean I was trying to say hello but my pronunciation is horrible!) However, unlike the cutie with fake glasses, I learned that he and I were not friends.

Anyway, this past week a friend of mine and I went into that same Starbucks and a different male employee there asked, "Do you mind if I ask what you do?" We told him that we were teachers and he asked where... His English was really good. Better then most. Koreans like it when you praise their English (even if it is no bueno). But really he spoke confidently and sounded natural. Somewhere in the short conversation he said, "I've seen you before. You come here a lot." That translate into real English as, "You are a pathetic loser that has no friends and comes to Starbucks too often."

I took his honesty as a springboard to a new friendship. So now I have one more Korean friend! (I forgot to ask him his name though...)

In .love.
Jp

25 years of the same assumption

Just so we are all on the same page, I know I suck at this whole blogging thing. But today I wrote a funny email to a good friend of mine and when I was re-reading it I thought I could post it here. I am only slightly changing the email to explain things better (and to try to be funnier).

A couple of weeks ago I went and saw a movie/concert thing at the Ganganam CGV movie theater. The movie/concert was called, "Super Junior 3D". And it was in 3D. (I loath 3D movies. They should give consumers the option of 3D or regular. I would rather not pay twice the amount for a show only to be nauseated by the 3D-ness). I am not a big Super Junior fan but I wanted to see a K-pop concert and this was a cheap alternative.
I am reminded almost daily at what a loser, freak I am. The universe reminded me of this fact when the only other people in the theater were teenage girls with their mothers. And a friend I had to pay for to go with me. Even though I am not familiar with Super Junior I really liked their show. They seemed to genuinely enjoy their job and I can tell they worked hard to choreograph their dances. And I respect hard work and taking pleasure in one's work. There was this one song that I had never heard called, "똑똑똑 (Tok Tok Tok)". And was giggling non-stop during this song. And it was a case of the full-blown 'church giggles.' I actually like the song but the style was really unexpected. Super Junior has multiple sub-groups and the group that sang this song is called, "Super Junior T". The 'T' is short for 'Trot' -a type of traditional pop music.
Here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0BrOP12ops&feature=related

And I know this sounds uber gay. But when I was at the movie/concert I felt drawn to 'Leeteuk' (the one in a silver jacket with a red barrette...). I really like his voice (especially around the 2:59 mark. I find people who can yell-sing very impressive. -I think I am a relatively confident guy but I wish I could sing well. I really, really suck at singing and dancing. I can not even clap and sing at the same time. I get too overwhelmed.) Anyway, I don't know why I felt 'drawn to him' so I figured it was because God wanted me to pray for him. So I put him on my 'List of Five' that I've been praying for everyday for almost a month! (That is totally a praise to God because I can never do something that requires ANY self discipline!)

Since I knew nothing about this guy I started to do research. And it turns out he is on a variety show called 'Sacred Heart' I like to watch. And even though I don't understand what they say I've always liked his character. I don't know why I think this but I think he is mischievous and says things that others aren't expecting. Which naturally I embrace. He seems self aware and intentional. He speaks direct and confidently. He is the type that when he says stuff people listen. I wish I were more like that. But so much BS spews from my mouth nobody pays attention to the .3% of the time I have something significant to say.

[This sounds like a schizophrenic is writing it... Sorry]

But anyway, I wanted to share the video and I started talking about everything under the sun.

On a related note. There is a new girl at work from South Africa. And I usually try to make it a habit not to like people from Africa but she is white so she is an exception. I honestly don't think she likes me very much which sucks because we all spend a lot of time together. I know I annoy her with my 'humor'. She doesn't find me funny therefore I find her stupid. She also thinks I am racist. And in my defense I told her everybody was racist.
[Justification: I confess that I am prejudice but I know my inclinations are wrong. So I try not to act on them. And I say racist things because I know racism really is an issue with many people (especially where I am from) but I try to say racist things that are obviously BS. Just to assure you, if I ever had anything mean or rude or racist to say and I truly believed it, then I wouldn't say it.]

I actually think she is coming around to not disliking me but I am consciously trying not to joke with her specifically. (Girls can be so sensitive). But today she said, "Justin, can I tell you something and you not get mad?" I said yes and to that she replied, "Oh, never mind..." ...After assuring her that I didn't respect her opinion enough to give two shakes about what she thought. She confided in me that when she first met me she thought I was 'a gay.'
Big surprise there. Its not the first time I've heard that.
I do like that she said, 'a gay' (singular). I am going to have to start calling people that. (Unless they are actually gay, then it would be mean...)

Straight up I know that I am not the most masculine/butch person out there. But I don't give a shiz. I would rather people think/say I'm gay then for me care if people think/say I'm gay. I thought she would make that ASSumption because of my obsession with K-pop and Korean dramas or continually talking to anyone that will listen about Big Bang. Her evidence of my gayness was the fact that I giggled, talk with my hands, and am 'metro'. I really don't know metro means but to each their own. She also said because I dyed my hair auburn. (In my defense, when you have a Korean guy, who no hable English, cut and dye your hair, you don't always get what you expect.) She also said I was fashionable. That was a quick indication that she is unstable because today I was wearing a flannel shirt I found at Camp Peniel, a sweater I've worn since Middle School, and a belt buckle that my mom wore when my dad rodeoed. Not to mentioned I hadn't fix my auburn hair.

I used to get really upset when people said or asked if I was gay but now, "Aint nobody got time for that!'?" Maybe I should be more conscious of what people think of me... but that seems too consuming.
I spent so much of my life being hyper-sensitive about what others thought of me that once I finally found freedom from that I went in the polar opposite direction. I think that I need to find a happy medium. But I aint gonna stop listening to K-pop.

In .love.
Jp

I am a freak

Sometimes I realizes that I am a bit odd. And honestly, I embrace that. I spent too many years of my life not liking how I am, wanting to be different. I honestly thought God had made a mistake while creating me… (I am very self-righteous/absorbed). And even if God did leave me in the oven a little too long, I am fine with that.
Anyway, I say this because multiple people, at separate times, from my work have said I remind them of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I like Sheldon’s character but I don’t think they were complimenting me. Like I said, I know I can be a little odd at times but… ‘Pfth!’ Who cares?!? The other day on the way home from work one of the guys randomly suggested we go an Indian restaurant that we often patronize. And even though I really like this place I felt anxious and resistant to agree to go. I had no plans for dinner but my mind did not want to commit to something so spontaneous. If they had suggested it to me in the morning I think I could have come around. But isn’t that crazy? Why do I respond like that?

Then today I was making cinnamon sugar toast. And I always do everything in the same order. I feel like I have to put the cinnamon on first then the sugar. I know it probably doesn’t affect the taste but I feel that the cinnamon is a good base while the sugar should remain the sparkly treat that crowns the piece of bread. BUT today I pulled an old switch-a-roo. And sadly, it was difficult to put the sugar on first. Why?!? Why is it when I make PBJs I have to cut one sandwich diagonally and the other vertical? Or why cut them at all? I really do think they taste better cut and they are more adventurous to eat when cut in different directions. But why?

And by the way, I burnt two pieces of my sugar first toast this morning. So lesson learned.

More than REBA lyrics

Today has been flooded with memories and feelings tied to my family and all I've considered to be 'home' for the past 25-ish years. Old people are so awesome. For most of my life I was terrified of all old people (minus my mom's mom and dad). And even grandpa was scary at times. But when I turned 16 I started hanging out with my step-grandparents more often. They had always lived in the same town, I just never took advantage of a relationship with them. I affectionately just called them: Mr. and Mrs. Prejean. That sounds impersonal but it isn't when you consider I call my step-dad 'Coach Prejean.' I may have called them Mr./Mrs. Prejean but they were my grandparents and I love them as my 'real' grandparents.

When I was in High School, juniors and seniors could leave campus and go off campus for lunch. And during my senior year my friend's parents would periodically cook lunch for us. My grandparents offered to cook for us one day and I was so anxious. My G-parents house was always clean and I was just paranoid to invite a bunch of people over. I remember there was construction on Highway Street so we were 6 minutes late getting to my grandparent's house. And they were waiting for us peeking out the window. They even mentioned they were nervous we had forgotten or weren't coming... Once we were seated my G-parents did not stop waiting on us for one second! Before we ate my Grandpa started to cry when praying for our lunch. (That didn't weird-out my friends at all.) Then my Grandma said, 'we are just so happy to have young people in the house again..." then she started crying. :)
They still ask about all of my friends that came over for lunch. Even if I haven't talked to those friends since High School. They could even point to where each friend was sitting!

One other time I was talking with my G-parents and they were being all wise and encouraging, like always, and in passing my G-ma said, "To Thine own self be true." And in awe and excitement I asked, "YOU KNOW REBA!?!" [I was referring to REBA's song (and my personal Life-Theme-Song: 'Fancy' when my REBA says, "She handing me a heart-shaped locket that said, 'To Thine own self be true.' And I shivered as I watched a roach crawl across the toe of my high-healed shoe..."]
With a surprised (and appalled) look on her face Mrs. Prejean said, "...Who? That is Shakespeare." But I was quick to defend my REBA correcting my G-ma with, "Na, that's a REBA song."
-Isn't that sad though? My Grandma quotes Shakespeare and books like the Bible and I memorize REBA lyrics. :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zplc4Ienkws

Sometimes it physically hurts being here. But that is just part of it. Lots of tears today. But that is just part of it too.
Life is good. Life is beautiful. Life is short.

In .love.
Jp

Prejudice. And not the good kind.

I try not to be prejudice but I really think it is impossible for people not to be prejudice to some degree in one way or another. I’ve written before about experiencing prejudice here. But I want to confess that I have been feeling and feeding prejudices lately. I know it is unfair but I find myself justifying my animosity towards an entire people group because of the actions of a select few.

Let me start by acknowledging that as a Christian I find it humiliating and frustrating that some make assumptions about me, my faith, and God because of the action of a select few. So I know my feelings aren’t fair but they are hard to resist.
I remember when I taught Social Studies in the States sometimes my students would say ignorant things about other religions or cultures we were studying. It literally made my heart burn with anger when my uninformed kids would say something retarded about Islam or the Middle East. (I know I am going to be ‘politically uncorrect’ but I don’t care.) I liked to hear my kid’s opinions and thoughts but not when they were retarded. And I have no qualms in telling my students that they are stupid and uneducated if they vocalized their racist teachings about other religions/cultures/people. Some of my kids thought all Muslims and the entire Middle East wanted to blow them up. It is unfair to make assumptions about an entire religion because of the action of a small, small percentage. But that is what I’ve been doing.

Since I’ve been in Korea I have had many interactions with a specific religious group. Before coming to Korea I had no exposure at all with this sect and knew nothing of their doctrine, theology… anything. Because of my multiple unpleasant experiences with a small percentage this group, I have developed a knee-jerk reaction of animosity towards all of them. I have so many negative experiences that immediately feel contempt and defensive when I learn people are part of this faction. I am finding myself deliberately closing myself off from any potential good/healthy relationships with a member of this group. I know it is wrong but it is hard not to do.

This has been educational though. Parts of me are glad I feel this way because it helps me to be more sensitive to those who feel the same mistrust, fear, and resentment towards my faith.

This really is a confession. I wish I didn’t feel this way towards these people. However, I also wish I hadn’t experienced so many dreadful interactions with these people. I know that I will be weary of any person whom I met in the future that claims this faith though. And that is unfortunate.

In .love.
Jp

Nicknames

This isn't interesting to anyone but me but I was explaining to a Korean friend how Americans write their names. [First: Justin - Middle: Wayne - Last: Powers]
Our conversation segued into how ladies change their last name after marriage... then how people in the glorious South sometimes call friends/family by their first and middle names [ie. 'Wanda Ann' --> Wan-Dan or 'Howard Lee' --> Hard-ly] ...then he asked me about nick names. Koreans have nick names too but he was surprised at the number of nicknames I have. (And people call me a lot of things but I am just talking about legitimate nicknames...)

My name: Justin Wayne Powers
My sister calls me: 'Brother' or 'Uncle' depending on the context of her conversation.
My mom creatively calls me 'Son' or 'Jessi' (when she forgets my name).
Christopher Travis Brown calls me 'JuWayne.'
All my coaches from Middle School and High School call me 'MoJo.'
My uncle and some of my sister's friends from Fredericksburg call me 'badboy.'
Ashley 'Big Gums' Schrader calls me 'Harry Potter' because she said I looked like him in HS.
Nicole 'Bonita' Bryla called me 'Mochila' because that was one of my first Spanish words I learned and I was so proud that I repeated it over-and-over.
Girls from my grade mostly called me 'Justin Wayne' or 'Wayne.'
REBA calls me 'My reason for living' and 'Fancy's fancy.'
Camp Names:
Seeking Ram (Tejas 'Chief' name)
Beef of Weak Strength (Beef name)
Pool Daddy McEntire (Order of the Warball name)

And here in Korea I've adopted the the Korean name 'JunPyo' but that was a name I assigned to myself so that doesn't count.
When I travel and need an alias I use the name 'Cordell McEntire.' Cordell from Walker: Texas Ranger and McEntire... well, for obvious reasons.

A lot of times people mistake my name to be 'Jason' but that isn't a nick name rather a result of my mumbling and forgettable personality.
Onetime I worked with this old German who thought my name was 'Oscar' and I never corrected him. So for a summer I was an Oscar.

In .love.
Jp

I dug through the trash for this!

We were practicing writing letters in class and one of my boys chose to write to me on his own accord. I usually encourage them to write to their parents or friends. This is the first kid to write to me.
He wrote this letter and while I was editing it I was fighting back tears. It made my heart feel so good.
After he finished I asked if I could keep it. I think he was embarrassed but I don't care. I laminated it then lost it. I was so sad. I thought another teacher accidentally threw it away while we were cleaning the classes. So i dug through five different trash cans to get it back. I didn't find it in the trash. My co-teacher had inadvertently picked it up and had it with all her stuff. I was so grateful to have it back. Now it is posted in my little cubical.
This is what it said:
Hello! Good afternoon, Justin Teacher?
I hope you have a good afternoon. Before I met you, I was afraid of foreign teachers. When I'm talking with foreign teachers I shiver, and also I don't like English. But now I can talk to you no shiver. And also you tell me so kindly. I'm always thankful for that.
I wish we will become friendly teacher and student.
Bye-
From, Nick