Zero for Five –Part 1

I fear the Lord is preparing me for a lifetime of singleness. Sometimes friends that sail in the same age and relationship-status boat, drone on about how they are destine to be single while simultaneously unsuccessfully casting nets for a qualifying partner. I soberly feel singleness might be the path the Lord has set out for me. And honestly, I am saddened, not at the loss of a potential spouse but rather, at the loss of children. Realistically I do not think I would be a capable husband. But I know I would be a devoted father.

When I see one of my school’s elementary kids that need their shoes tied, I gladly arch over and sloppily ties the best bow my finger can construct. When I find an opportunity to sincerely encourage or compliment (or playfully make fun of) one of my 9^th grade boys, my service to them makes me feel beneficial. It is as if I am building something the Lord has commissioned me to work on. And I long to encourage and teach kids that are mine. Kids I have the right to love. Conversely, I can’t imagine wanting to tie an adult woman’s shoes. And when I see women needing me to fill some sort of emotional prerequisite, I view them as weak. I don’t know how to explain my hypocrisy: I know I, an adult male, have needs, desires, and emotions that can and are inherently designed to be fulfilled by another. Yet when I see couples, their codependence is unattractive. I don’t want to need anyone or anything besides Christ. And I don’t want anyone that needs anything or anyone other than Christ.

That is not to sole reason I feel I will “forever be alone” but it is the highest hurdle I will have to ascend.

The second hurdle I will have to scale is that in my “mature” life I have like only five maidens with enough longing to want to ask them out. That means, in the past ten years I have liked (on average) one girl every two years. I am not counting my pubescent relationship with the one and only: Jamie Lee Laratta. The fact that I asked her out in the third-person disqualifies our year-long amour for a mature relationship.

One Tree Field

My first jaunt into the dating sphere was in 2005 at my favorite place in the world: Camp Peniel.
I was a 19 year old lifeguard, it was my first summer there and I fell for the work crew director that was five years my senior. Her name was Jill but was admirably referred to by most as, Jill the Thrill. She is one of the godliest women I have ever met. And her rejection of my advancement is just another testament to her commendable character.

We had worked together the entire summer and she in no way led me on but I was ready to start picking out baby names and flowers for the front yard. I had even asked her dad if I could ask her out. He warned me that she probably wasn’t interested in but to do what I needed to do. With my blinders firmly fixed to my eyes, I saw that as a green light. I was a bit over eager: I planed the entire date in detail. BLAHAHAHA: I just remembered I had made a time-table of topics we would discuss.
I mustered up my courage and asked her out. Her response, “I think we are just going to be friends.” It was as if she was speaking another language. I needed a translator. I repeated, “… but I’m asking you out on a date.”

To that she patiently reaffirmed we were just going to be friends. I remember be disappointed but not deflated. Nine years later, we are not friends but we are friends on the Facebook. So we’re good.

My first time at bat, I swung for the fences and regret nothing because JtT is still one of the most amazing women I’ve ever know. Whatever she is doing now, I’m sure she is a blessing to all around her.

0 for 1       

Straight from JT's lips

I do not believe in karma but I do feel a sense of justice when situations (or people) naturally take care of themselves.

One-fifth of classes this semester have habitually complained to my principal about my class. I confess I am not always 100% proud of what I produce for that subject. However, given the circumstances, I believe I am doing the best job to be expected. Some of the circumstances being: I don’t necessarily like the subject, I have never taken one class in that specific subject, I did not have a book the first three months of the class, and I am teaching five different subjects where I have to produce all the content.

At the beginning of the semester the students (I will group all the students as a singular being) tattled to my principal that I was using lessons plans off the internet. When he asked me about it I told him that of course I was using other teacher’s lessons plans. “Aint nobody got the time” to do original material for five different subjects at the same time. 

My favorite part of the meeting was that my principal said the students weren’t complaining rather they “weren’t see the real me in the material.” I have no idea what that means and I doubt the kids want to get to know me via lesson plans. I do wish the class was more engaging and original but, realistically, it isn’t possible. However, my boss challenged me to bring more of me into the class thus unintentionally the class took on a more historical flavor. The content was still relevant but not blatantly related to the title of the class. So inevitably, a couple of weeks later I had another one-on-one with the principle about how much historical content was in the class. It doesn't help that the principal majored in the subject I am obviously too incompetent to teach AND my predecessor was the Superman of teaching.
I do not recall having one significant conversation with my principal about any of my other classes. I am not even sure he knows all my classes because multiple times he mentions World History to me even though I don’t teach that class.    
The most frustrating thing is that individually I genuinely like most of the kids in the class. It is a select few that poison my feeling towards the whole batch. And though it is hard at times, I have learned not to take anything personally. Selfishly I did feel a sense of justice this past week when their self-entitled whining ended up causing them more difficulties this past week.

Before the Christmas break, this class did a project for a test grade. Usually my tests are relatively difficult so I like to average in projects so it can raise their test grade (in theory). Sadly, as a whole, the class did not do well on the project. So I was trying to find alternate ways to raise their grade with only a week-and-a-half of classes before midterms and the end of the first semester. The class was already expecting a test over Chapter 3 the week before the midterm. My plan was to give them the test (that is difficult) and make the midterm a project (hoping they would do better on the new project). Midterms are a mandatory 10% of their average so I thought that would put them all into a good position. However, Monday I found out that it is school policy that midterms and finals be cumulative and could not be projects. So I decide to convert the Chapter 3 test into the midterm (sprinkled with a could of previous test questions to make it ‘cumulative’) and give them an open-note essay test.
Then Tuesday morning I get a call from my principal explaining, essentially, that some in the class were grumbling that they had too much 'stress' and a test a week before the midterm is too much work for them. Even though these kids will be in college soon, managing the stress of schoolwork is too much for them so rather than trying to work something out with me, they go behind my back and cry to my boss. I tried to tell my principal that my test was going to be easy. However, he said it was school policy not to give tests in the two weeks before the midterms. (However, I didn’t implement that rule to my other two classes that took test that same week).
I am embarrassed to say that it was with pleasure later that day that I got to informed the class of their new predicament: that because of their bewailing behind my back, they will no longer have the opportunity for an additional test to raise their test average, the open note test was then broken up into a three-day writing assignment for a daily grade, and the midterm was going to be the difficult Chapter 3 test plus the content we had already covered.
I am still not 100% satisfied with the work I present to the class but I am not going to sacrifice time and energy for my other four, harder working classes simply to appease the laments of my laziest class.

Like my JT says, "What goes around, goes around, goes around comes all the way back around."

Perspective

Reflections on “Lament” by Tim Be Told

I think this song is about perspective –more specifically our perspective of God’s character. Eighty percent of the song he talks about how God’s overwhelmingly jealous, not enough kind and ultimately breaks us. I can identify with that. I don’t know what God ‘steals’ from us. Everything we have is a blessing from Him. However my self-righteousness peeks its head in claiming God is taking happiness from me. He steals my joy when things don’t go my way or play out how I plan. I like that the lyricists blames God for the ‘mess’ in life. I do that. I identify problems or difficulties then complain they are too much or God is outside of that arena of life. There I am, left alone to battle through it or fix it.

Verse two- Sometimes I feel the punishment of my sin more than God’s forgiveness. Often times that knockout is self-imposed, other times I feel like god allowing me to wallow in my sin is punishment in itself. (Romans 1:24-25)

When I view myself in the right perspective, then I want God to ‘punch me out’ take everything that I have made and build up what He wants. Too often I become possessive of things, ideas, feelings that are not what God wants to construct in my life. So needs to come in ‘like a wrecking ball…’

Chorus-
Yes. I know you are great but is a bad god better than none? How much more will it take to undo the damage that you have done? Cause the wicked and wayward continue to thrive. And the martyrs continue giving their lives. Oh the faithful never survive.

This is what plays on repeat in my head. I know this isn’t the intent of the song (because there is redemption in the final twenty percent). Tim be told isn’t proclaiming this as truth rather a sincere plea of desperation. The first line is heartbreaking. I think of my friends without God and wonder, “How do you do it? How are you still alive?” –I would have certainly killed myself without the hope a relationship with God has given me. Again, it is perspective.
How can he say God is bad? I sludge through the truth that God is too good. Too pure. Too holy. He is a God that is so much of what I am not that I cannot connect with him. Yet he allows me to. He has torn that veil that blinds me in lies.

I used to blame God for the ‘damage’ in my life but it was man’s introduction of sin that has caused the world (and my life) to be impaired. Then again, God is there to free us from all that damages us! And if wicked people thrive, it doesn’t matter. And if martyrs loose their lives, it is for the glory of God. I hope to be faithful and I hope I don’t merely ‘survive’ the world. I want to transform the world (even if it is just a minuscule ripple).

Verse three- Do Christians live in ‘hopeless delusion’? It is perspective. Unbelievers without the freedom of the Gospel can certainly make that argument against all faiths. His confession of being unsure of how much more he can take scares me. It is healthy for people of faith to be stretched and tested. But it is difficult. Sometimes, in the midst of testing, I see myself tinkering on the edge of surrender.

Bridge- Final plea or transition? He is correcting the false perceptions we all find ourselves lost in. He asks for forgiveness and begs that God continue to hear him. And God always does. He wants to hear our cries, doubts, and misconceptions of His character. He wants to hear and correct our false perspective.

Revises Chorus-

Yes, I know You are great That You're a good God, and You are love.
 How much more will it take to undo the damage that I have done?
Please conquer these demons and the darkness inside.

Shine Your light on this cold heart of mine. Maybe my faith will survive

Perspective. I pollute the perfection God desires in my own life and throughout the world. He is tirelessly correcting my missteps.
I identify with the plea in this last chorus. And I truest that because of Him, I will persevere.