Accidentally Cultured

 It is sad how I’ve come across pieces of classical literature or art. I’ve blogged once before about how I learned ‘To Thine own self be true…” was in fact an original line from Shakespeare and not a Reba McEntire song. It was also through pop-culture that I learned of the poem by John Donne: No Man Is An Island.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

I first heard that poem referenced in the Hugh Grant movie, ‘About A Boy’. The truth that no man is an island was echoed after I read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I always felt it a weakness to need others or anything. I was conflicted because I knew I was one of the neediest people created. No Man is an Island beautifully illustrates how willing or unwilling we are all connected. We are all part of the whole. That is humbling and empowering. I am not weak because I want a friend’s trust, a brother’s intimacy, an employer’s honesty, or a yorkie’s forced kisses… The poem speaks of universal connectivity… I interpret it (at this stage in my life) as a pass on needing others. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together applies a pungent spiritual truth to this aching need I struggle with. He says that fellowship is not essential to a relationship with Christ, rather it is a blessing and helps maintain a relationship with the Lord. 

I’ve been troubled by my need to need for the past couple of weeks. Then, through a series of events, my need for intimacy and how it impaired my judgment was cautiously revealed.
I am not ashamed to confess that I have few real friends here in Korea. And I do not use the word friend lightly. I reserve it for my most intimate and genuine relationships. I have many acquaintances or ‘friends from work’ but in Korea, I don’t have ‘people to do life with’. Bonhoeffer’s profound truth sucks to realize.

My school encourages us to build intimate relationships with the kids and that is one philosophy I enthusiastically accept. If I were to read about my life in a book or watch my story played out on a depressing, poorly scripted drama, I would think my character quite pathetic. I have little outside of my job. I give too much to a machine that just consumes. And honestly, I am okay with that. My hope is that, in the future I will have a family or a dog at least that desires more of my attention thus limiting the amount of energy I give my job. But as it is now, that is not in the cards for me so I look at my kids and classes as my foremost obligation.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my students to dinner and a movie. We had a couple more meals together and socialized on the weekend. And through our time together I started to view him as my ‘friend’ rather than my student. It was confusing for me because I naturally compartmentalize people and relationships. Professionally I’ve always tried to connect with kids that I’m drawn to while maintaining an appropriate distance. It was easier in the States because socializing outside of school was culturally not acceptable. But here my school and the parents encourage spending extra time with the students.

Through our personal time together I started to view and converse with this student as a peer rather than his teacher. And I intentionally chose to consider him a friend foremost and a student second. Retrospectively, that was a mistake. I let my personal relationship cloud my perception of him. In the previous weeks he engaged in behavior I could not understand or condone. Mistakes are mistakes and I could forgive a friend for making mistakes but he was untruthful with me. That is a quality I struggle to forgive in a friend. Students lie all the time, and I forgive them. It’s hard to trust them again, but I forgive. And the mistakes that he made causes me to question his true character and integrity.

I blame myself for my poor decision. I allowed my job to consume too much and blind me. I need separation from my school. I hate living there and physically being at work from Sunday to Friday. It is unhealthy and effecting my judgment and attitude.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about my predicament and he said it was inappropriate for me to consider not only a student a friend but an 18 year old my friend. I think he is right. Though I justify my actions thinking, my student was different.

I was (and am) not happy having to experience the pain and confusion this ordeal has brought me but I do like that I’ve learned invaluable lessons.
1. I need a pet. I need something outside of work to give my attention to.
2. I must separate my work life and my real life.
3. I will be more cautious when considering ‘friends’.  

"No Man is an Island..." Hugh Grant tries to maintain his independence while justifying his connection with others by saying, "Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island chains. Underneath, they are connected..." I will settle for that.