Say what you mean and be mean about what you say.

I know I do not keep this blog thing going well. But I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I have significant, poignant things to share but then forget within three minute. At one time I even started a list titled, ‘Things to Blog About.' Then I promptly lost it.  

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Thanks Gandhi.

One thing that has emotively be cycling in recent experiences is the power of people’s words. Within he past couple of months I experienced some uncomfortable truths. I will not even begin to say I do not lie but I try not to. And in seasoned Christian fashion, I’ve learned how to justify my half-truths or avoid telling the truth while not telling a lie. I consider myself emotionally reclusive with most people. And I like that. I feel like the intimacy of my emotional commitments weakens if they are shared with many people. However, I do consider myself to be truthful. I would rather be told something hurtful if it is the truth. I will be upset and defensive but it is the truth; there is no argument against the truth.

The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are those living a lie.

Working with kids I’ve learned that honor, trustworthiness, respectability are things that must be taught. They are not inherent. Our sin-nature knows how to ‘protect’ ourselves. I sincerely feel like I treat my students well. I try to be respectful to them and treat them as I feel people should treat each other I feel that as a teacher, and more importantly, as a Christian, my purpose is to serve and love my kids. And God knows I would not choose many of the students I have however, I consider our divine placement together part of the beauty of our Father. He puts kids in my class that need something from me or I need to learn something from them. His plan is always perfect.

This past semester I had two different experiences with students concerning the value of their word. I have one student whom I care deeply for. He is really special to me. I love him, yet he drives me crazy! But I think that is part of the reward of being his teacher. I’ve told my kids multiple times I would rather they tell me a painful truth than to ever lie to me. That I would respect them more if they were truthful rather than deceitful. Sadly, truthfulness isn’t always a ‘Korean character trait.' Anyway, this student had the unfortunate reputation of lying to other teachers but I never remember him lying to me. He unashamedly would tell the truth no matter how embarrassing it was and that was one of the things I found most refreshing about him. But then came the day when he lied to me. It truly hurt my heart. I don’t remember what he lied about but I remember it wasn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t have been mad if he had told me the truth. But knowing he was lying to me caused all my trust to dissolve away. I know my aspirations for him are too lofty but since that day, I haven’t been able to commit to him. That is one good thing about being on vacation, I will go back and get to start all over with him and trust him as much as I used to. Conversely there is another student who lies all the time and I have no respect for or positive feelings towards. If they were to tell me that I was a huge REBA fan and that Miss Berkley was the most beautiful girl in the world I would doubt it… and my entire reason for living.
I feel nothing but annoyance when they now lie to me but they introduced a new angle of untruthfulness to me. They told lies about me to others and most importantly to my boss. Luckily this kid has a shameful reputation as a pathological liar so my boss didn’t believe him. It still made me feel so vulnerable and violated. I wish I could go back to school in March with the same ‘forgive and forget’ attitude I have towards my other kid but realistically, the likelihood of that is nonexistent. I’ve actually heard multiple sermons about forgiveness and how God’s forgiveness is like a brazillion times greater than any forgiveness we could give others… So I feel convicted to forgive the kid but when I visualize their face or hear their name, a heat wave radiates from my heart… so, baby steps.

Those are experiences with kids so I cannot gauge them as I do interactions with normal people. No matter how much power I allow them to have over my feelings, I do realize they are just kids and I am their teacher.

I recently felt a greater sense of betrayal when I heard that someone I considered a close friend had told others about a maiden I had a crush on. Writing that, I know it is extremely juvenile. And honestly, I don’t care that people know I had a crush on said lady. So the fact that the ‘secret’ is out doesn’t bother me. But I confided in him as a peer and brother. I would like to think I wouldn’t betray someone like that. Now I sadly feel like he is ‘just someone I used to know.’ I am on the plane home and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to contact people to 'have a meeting with.' Two months ago he would have been a must-see but now I’m not sure he even knows I’m coming home. And I'm not telling him.
One good thing about being in Korea is that it has given me an osprey’s viewpoint. I am physically removed from all my relationships. It allows me more objectivity and reaffirms who is truly a brother and sister.