A Book

[I suggest you read 'Closing a Chapter or Book?' before reading this post]

The Lord is provisional. As I mentioned in other blog postings, I’ve been terribly troubled the past couple of weeks. Amid multiple factors (stress at work, isolation, concern for/of perverted students…) I found myself in prayer often. And I can see how the Lord has delivered me from the state I was in six weeks ago.

The majority of my emotional bipolar responses were because of one student: Byeontae. In the past, I was torn because I felt we were ‘friends’. Then as weeks went on I struggled because the Byeontae I knew and the true Byeontae were no longer the same person. I was torn. I wanted to maintain a close relationship with him but it was becoming impossible.
 
This past weekend I wrote a letter. It was to him but I have no intention of giving it to him. I just wrote it because I was stressed and anxious and felt I needed to release my fears. I’m sharing a modified version of the letter as praise to God. I truly see the past six weeks as an act of deliverance. God has faithfully delivered me from a dangerous and unhealthy relationship. (That I know was inappropriate from the beginning).

Byeontae, 

            I’m writing this knowing that I will not give it to you. I just want a way to express myself and I no longer feel it is appropriate to talk personally with you anymore. That truth is sad for me but I am glad to have learned it. I know it was unintentional but you have caused me a lot of pain and anguish these past couple of weeks. I feel like I am a wiser person for it though and that is rewarding. The biggest professional lesson I have learned is that I CANNOT get too close to my students. I am glad the Lord has shown me my mistake but I am now confused how I can approach relationships with my students in the future. It is my purpose in life (right now) to love and serve my students. To give my ‘life’ to them and love them like Jesus loves them. I do not do that well but that is my purpose. I made the mistake of becoming attached to you. I know in the future I need to be more guarded with my kids. That is good. I just hope it doesn’t make them feel as if I am disinterested in their lives. Finding a balance will be difficult. But I need to keep my distance. I now see that my feelings and actions towards you were not beneficial for either of us. 

            You, your parents, the child, and her parents are having a meeting today at school. I am curious what will happen. I wish I were a fly on the wall (with a Korean fly next to me to translate for me). I don’t want to ask you what happened because I think your perspective is a bit skewed. And I’m sure the school will not tell us what happened so I am left to wonder. I still really want to know. Miss Craft told me I should ‘cut my losses’ and disconnect completely from you. But I still don’t want to, even after all the deception. If you and the child are still together after today I will have to completely detach myself from all you are. 

            My job is such a huge part of my life. I believe how I do my job and the type of job I have reflects the type of person I am. If I were to ‘cut you out’ it would mean that I am not strong and a quitter. It is hard to quit on someone who, I see, needs a lot of help. I thought I was helping you by being honest and clear with you but, reflectively, I see I was just ‘pissing into the wind’ (as my dad says). I know it is self-righteous to have hoped that my advice would have made an effect on you. I feel so foolish. But that is okay. I now see that my perspective of you, and us, was off.  

I am ambivalent because part of me truly admires that you did what you wanted no matter what EVERYBODY (with a moral compass) told you. I only wish you would have stood apart on a different issue. Like everybody was telling you to study medicine but you wanted to follow your heart and study rhythmic dance. I wish you hadn’t drawn your line in the sand on an issue other than dating children. 

Oh… it still just makes me sick. Personally I am conservative but my Ron Paul has introduced the Libertarian perspective. I sincerely believe that everybody has the God-given freedom to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t bring harm to others. And you do not see this but what you are doing is bring harm to your underage girlfriend. This is where I wish I had been… more significant to you. I wish you would have believed me even if you didn't understand what I was telling you. I try to sympathize with your situation and I think that if I had been in your position, 18 year old me wouldn’t have listened to anyone else either. [Again, It is impossible to put myself in your specific situation because I would have NEVER thought of dating a 7^th grader.] Truthfully, I know I wouldn’t have believed or trusted most adults. I did not have someone who loved me enough, or that I trusted enough, to advise me the way I tried to counsel you. But I wish I had...

            My biggest fear is that y’all’s parents, for some perverse reason, agree to let y’all date. If that happens, my entire feelings towards Koreans will change. I already am astounded that you haven’t been teased or ostracized by the other students. The fact that they are not disgusted appalls me. If I were your child-girlfriend’s father, I would immediately come to this school, beat you up, then withdraw my little girl from this school and dangerous situation. And if I were your father, I would immediately come to school and beat the hell out of you. I wish I had met your parents before all of this. Do you fear or realize that your actions directly reflect on them? When I was in High School, I wanted to do a lot of bad things but a pertinent motivation for me to stay straight was that I didn’t want to hurt or embarrass my parents. I had a good reputation with my teachers because both of my parents were their co-workers. I had to be respectable or they would think less of my mom and dad. I haven’t met many students’ parents but honestly, it is hard to think highly of some of them because of the character of their children… I remember when I was moving into my new classroom at my first teaching job. One of the parents came up to me, gave me her information, and encouraged me to call her if I ever needed anything. She actually said, “If Carson ever gives you any problems, beat his ass.” –Honestly, I was terrified but Carson ended up being one of my favorite kids I’ve ever taught. He wasn’t a great student but he was a good guy. It is a parent’s job to instruct their kids on how to behave and the proper things to value. And your behavior (in dating a child, perpetually bold-face lying, intentionally being deceitful, etc…) reflects poorly.

            I now realize that even if you were to break up with your under-aged girlfriend, end this cruel game of playing with her, stop manipulating her, and even ask for forgiveness… I don’t think I can ever respect you. At first I thought it was because I still felt personally insulted by your deception. I can’t see you as anything other than a man who justifies dating a child even after multiple people advised you against it.
 
            I remember my mom joking with me when I was a senior in High School that she found one of her Middle School students to arrange a marriage with me. My mom’s intent was just to say that she really liked this little 8^th grader but I remember being extremely embarrassed. I had known the girl but always thought of her as a "little Middle Schooler.” I fear you are really sick. I no longer think you just made a careless mistake. I fear for the other students because of you. You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You put on a safe, inviting front but it is just a façade. The real you is disgusting and shocking…

            For the past couple of weeks I’ve had a prayer list where I pray for certain students and teachers each day. You are on my Wednesday list. Three weeks ago I was praying that:
1. The Lord reveals his love and Salvation to you. And that you have a personal, powerful relationship with Christ.
2. That I love you well and that we grow closer together.
3. That you find your purpose in life and confidently pursue that purpose.  
But the past two weeks I’ve just prayed that the Lord reveal his plan of Salvation to you, that you not be a child molester, and that I not hate you. (I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand you. And I do hate the threat you are to others.)

            Oh Byeontae. The Lord has revealed so much to me in the past couple of weeks through you. For that I am grateful. I just wish things had been different. I’ve been to the Han a couple of times

and each time I am reminded that I’ve lost a (potential) brother. But that is fine. And honestly, I don't know if that is true anymore. Things haven’t worked out as I would have planned but, they are what they are. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”          -Romans 8:28

            I love God. I know he loves me. so I’ve just got to trust him and his purpose. He loves you too, more than I can explain. I am sincerely sorry I couldn’t show you better.

In .love.
Jp

I still do not know his relationship status with the child. He had told me multiple times they are not together and each time, that was a lie. So I wouldn’t believe what he tells me now anyway. I also doubt all the conversations we had. I’ve devalued the intimacy I felt we shared because it wasn’t real. What he said, what we talked about… must have all been lies. 

I see God’s deliverance in the revelation of the reality of my situation. No matter what I thought Byeontae was or could be… it doesn’t matter. He is a liar. And I can’t be friends or have any semblance of a healthy relationship with someone who is relentlessly dishonest with me. Also, he unabashedly breaks school rules. And the nail in the coffin is: he is a pervert.
Now that I see who he really is, I don't want anything to do with that kind of person (which is hard to admit). 

I remember when we were at the Han I told him I thought he was ‘strong’ because he appeared to be an individual and boldly stood alone. I now see that he ‘stands alone’ because he doesn’t seem to have any real friends. Sadly, I think he will be flying solo for a long time (unless he manipulates another child into a relationship with him). He cannot be a friend to anyone or be anyone’s friend if he is not honest. 

Closing this ‘book’ in my life was made easier because the ‘friend’ I thought I would find in him, is not the type of person he genuinely is.