Perspective

Reflections on “Lament” by Tim Be Told

I think this song is about perspective –more specifically our perspective of God’s character. Eighty percent of the song he talks about how God’s overwhelmingly jealous, not enough kind and ultimately breaks us. I can identify with that. I don’t know what God ‘steals’ from us. Everything we have is a blessing from Him. However my self-righteousness peeks its head in claiming God is taking happiness from me. He steals my joy when things don’t go my way or play out how I plan. I like that the lyricists blames God for the ‘mess’ in life. I do that. I identify problems or difficulties then complain they are too much or God is outside of that arena of life. There I am, left alone to battle through it or fix it.

Verse two- Sometimes I feel the punishment of my sin more than God’s forgiveness. Often times that knockout is self-imposed, other times I feel like god allowing me to wallow in my sin is punishment in itself. (Romans 1:24-25)

When I view myself in the right perspective, then I want God to ‘punch me out’ take everything that I have made and build up what He wants. Too often I become possessive of things, ideas, feelings that are not what God wants to construct in my life. So needs to come in ‘like a wrecking ball…’

Chorus-
Yes. I know you are great but is a bad god better than none? How much more will it take to undo the damage that you have done? Cause the wicked and wayward continue to thrive. And the martyrs continue giving their lives. Oh the faithful never survive.

This is what plays on repeat in my head. I know this isn’t the intent of the song (because there is redemption in the final twenty percent). Tim be told isn’t proclaiming this as truth rather a sincere plea of desperation. The first line is heartbreaking. I think of my friends without God and wonder, “How do you do it? How are you still alive?” –I would have certainly killed myself without the hope a relationship with God has given me. Again, it is perspective.
How can he say God is bad? I sludge through the truth that God is too good. Too pure. Too holy. He is a God that is so much of what I am not that I cannot connect with him. Yet he allows me to. He has torn that veil that blinds me in lies.

I used to blame God for the ‘damage’ in my life but it was man’s introduction of sin that has caused the world (and my life) to be impaired. Then again, God is there to free us from all that damages us! And if wicked people thrive, it doesn’t matter. And if martyrs loose their lives, it is for the glory of God. I hope to be faithful and I hope I don’t merely ‘survive’ the world. I want to transform the world (even if it is just a minuscule ripple).

Verse three- Do Christians live in ‘hopeless delusion’? It is perspective. Unbelievers without the freedom of the Gospel can certainly make that argument against all faiths. His confession of being unsure of how much more he can take scares me. It is healthy for people of faith to be stretched and tested. But it is difficult. Sometimes, in the midst of testing, I see myself tinkering on the edge of surrender.

Bridge- Final plea or transition? He is correcting the false perceptions we all find ourselves lost in. He asks for forgiveness and begs that God continue to hear him. And God always does. He wants to hear our cries, doubts, and misconceptions of His character. He wants to hear and correct our false perspective.

Revises Chorus-

Yes, I know You are great That You're a good God, and You are love.
 How much more will it take to undo the damage that I have done?
Please conquer these demons and the darkness inside.

Shine Your light on this cold heart of mine. Maybe my faith will survive

Perspective. I pollute the perfection God desires in my own life and throughout the world. He is tirelessly correcting my missteps.
I identify with the plea in this last chorus. And I truest that because of Him, I will persevere.

Go with the flow

Today in my US History class I had the class divided into three groups. One group was representatives from the colonial South and another from the North while the third group was the news media assigned to interview them.
When the North was asked about mistreatment of the Native population and the social ramifications of slavery the representative, at a loss, defended their position by saying, "... yes those are bad but... we just go with the flow."

At least they were more honest than modern political representatives.

Not what I expected. But not a surprise.

For more context of this story, you should first read: 
Closing a Chapter or Book?
A Book
I want to Remove His Veil

[I wrote the first part of this post on Thursday of this week after calling Byeontae. I did not post it because he had agreed to meet and, if perchance he read it, I thought he might bail on the meeting.] 

Why do I allow myself to be repeatedly pulled into an emotional whirlwind by the same student?
My Pyungtae troubles are rearing their head again. I promised I would call him when I got back from Thailand and I pathetically followed that with, "And I hope you will agree to meet me." On the third attempt he answered with, "Who is this?" (Obviously he had deleted my number and only answered because he didn't know who it was). -Maybe he was hoping it was some elementary aged girl on their summer break...  

The Lord is putting me through the ringer with this guy. Before the semester ended I met with him and got to share the Gospel with him. I've wrestled for months why I care about this kid at all. I did a synopsis of our relationship and his character. The concluding list reads:

liar

pervert

sheep in wolves clothing

liar

fraud

dangerous

misleading

not worth it

liar

predator

arrogant

no honor

terrible reputation

manipulative

dishonorable

a whitewashed tomb

liar

...all qualities I do not want to be associated with. If I could view him as a 'project' I would be able compartmentalize more easily and graciously. I wish I viewed him as such and if I could choose, I wouldn't care about him at all. I would just leave him, and all the trash associated with him, at ATA. I've begrudgedly come to admit that he is not a guy that merits my loyalty or half the effort I've put forth. Yet I care deeply for him. Not just broadly as one of God's lost creations but the Lord has placed a powerful, unfamiliar burden on my heart for him. I am 'drawn to him'. On a human level, he has few qualities that garner a desire for a personal relationship. I've realized that is part of the reason why I cannot give up. I want to show him what a real, mutual relationship looks like. I sense that the majority of his relationships have all been selfishly motivated or obligatory. I see, in that regard, he is trapped. I too was without true friendship, intimate brotherhood until I was 19. A life lived without fellowship is no life at all. 

Another reason I cannot 'cut my losses' is because I want nothing more than for him to know the freeing, life giving, purpose providing experience of a relationship with Jesus includes. I know all non-believers are wanted by God and in need of Jesus' sacrifice. My heart pangs with a desire for Pyungtae to know the salvation and fulfillment only submission to the Gospel brings. Part of me wishes I felt this same engulfing passion for all unbelievers but the truth is that I don't and I couldn't. It would be too painful and exhausting.
It would be like Elva in the Eragon series that is cursed to shield others from their pain and suffering. I see, talk with, think of Pyungtae and am burdened with the longing for him to be a brother. I've come to realize that is a gift from God. Though honestly, I have a hard time viewing it as a 'gift'. It would be easier to just superficially 'love' him, my other students, and friends and just live my life. But NaYoung (a sister that went on the mission trip with me) revealed that God is using me to intercede for him. I find great peace and purpose in that revelation.

Pastor Joel, Jp, Natasha, NaYoung, Elizabeth, HA, Sonya

Before the semester ended I some-what manipulated him into meeting with me. I gave him a deadline to meet and if he met that deadline, I would give him his Final Test Review. Naturally, he disregarded the deadline and I wasn't going to give him the review but I saw an opportunity for ransom. I told him I would give the review to him if he agreed to met with me. In truth, I felt really uncomfortable doing that but it was a bluff. Before I made that his only option, I already committed to myself to give him the review either way. Thankfully, he submitted to the meeting. 

The meeting started off terribly awkward. I kept trying to make small-talk but he was not receptive. I even confessed he was making it difficult to talk to him. But we started working on a project and started conversing more naturally. My entire motivation for coordinating a meeting was to share the Gospel with him. Retrospectively, I did a terrible job. If I had been on his end, I would have doubted that I really knew the Gospel. 

I remember asking him what he thought his purpose in life was and he said, "Finish school. Go to a good college. Get a good job." I told him my purpose was to: "Love God. Love others. And tell them about Jesus. ...And that's what I want to do now." :) -It was awkward for both of us. 

He knew the story of Jesus but didn't know the real reason for Jesus' sacrifice. I asked him how he would define 'sin'. And he said when people do anything against "people's moral standard." I expressed, that sin was anything against God's standard. He claims to be an atheist (if anything). I like that he is at least relatively thoughtful about religion/faith. At one point I asked him why religion is so important to so many people and he said, "I think you will be offended but..."
I wish I hadn't, but I interrupted him and said, "To be be honest, I don't respect you enough to be offended by what you say..." -Maybe I should have held that back?  

After 2+ hours of talking I asked if I could pray for us and he said, "If it would make you feel better." I thought that was funny. 

I wanted to get him a Korean-English Bible but when I was shopping I didn't like any of the options I found. His English is really 'big' so I got him a Study Bible in English (I liked it so much I got myself one too). I think he would like it. He has an analytical mind and is 'left-brained'. When I asked him to tell me what he thought about Christianity his answer was systematic and academic. I want so badly for the scales to fall from his eyes so he can see the sin in his life that is enslaving his life. I highlighted and marked the order of the "Roman Road".
I highlighted some of my favorite verses. I wrote him a letter that said if he didn't read anything, to just read John. I pray that if he reads John just once the power of the Word will soften his hardened heart. I did not show him the Gospel well. I did not explain to him the Gospel well. But the Word is powerful! I pray that that Book is sitting in his room calling him, pulling his attention and thoughts to opening God's Word. 

The Wednesday I left ATA for Thailand I only said bye to one student (not Byeontae). Saying bye to that one kid was too emotional so I just left. I felt like a huge coward.

Kyuho was the only student I got to say a proper goodbye to. 

Correction, I was a huge coward. I wrote most of the kids an individual goodbye note and left the letters, along with Byeontae's Bible, to give to them after I left. 

[Of all the kids I wrote a letter to, only two kids responded saying thank you. Most hurtful was neither of those two were my mentees. I didn't write the letters so that they would email me but I just think it is surprising and rude. Especially Byeontae though. I mean I wrote him a thoughtful and personal letter and I gave him a gift... also, when he went out of the country a few weeks ago I made him a package of goodies and he is such a prick that he can't say thank you or even acknowledge that something was given to him. His response (or lack of one) proves how self-entitled and self-absorbed he is. I know I sound like a girl but thankfully, when I gave each of those gifts (the travel gifts, the letter, and Bible) my motivation was to minister to him. Trying to reach out in love not friendship. And a gift should not come with any expectation of reciprocation. But still... my mom gave me a freaking Rubics Cube one time for Christmas and I still thanked her. I make fun of her to this day for it but I thanked her.]  

I thought of Byeontae often while in Thailand. I talked about him (and my other kids) so often I annoyed some of the people in my group. My heart breaks for him. If nothing, I hope he knows that I truly love him. I know I have been rude to him at times but I believe I was always honest with him. The founder of the organization we worked with in Thailand said we are called to "preach the good news" not convert (Luke 4:18-19). So even if I feel as though I 'failed' Byeontae, I trust that God will continue to call him to himself. If I never see or talk with Byeontae again, I hope to see him in heaven. I selfishly want to experience a mutual, brotherly relationship with him but if that is not in the cards, "The Lord's will be done." He is always right and always perfect. 

[Today after our 10 minute lunch. The experience was not pleasant.] 

First, he gave me terrible directions that read: "Go out at exit number 2 and walk straight down."
Normally that means the place is within a block, maybe two, of the station. I walked for a couple of blocks and called him. He said it was about 10 minutes from the subway station so I kept going... until the street ended. 

My initial thought was, This kid is standing me up leading me on a wild-goose chase. It turns out the place was around the corner, behind a building, in some alley. We sat down for 'lunch' at 1:20 when he informed me he had to leave at 1:30. Followed by [not a direct quotation]:

"I wanted to meet with you to say at the beginning I really liked you but after a month and the words you said, I started to hate you. And that I do not want to meet you any more." 

I asked him what words I said that hurt him. His answer was me classifying him as a child molester. 

That I did. And I do not regret it. I believe him to truly be a child molester. 

He said I was the only one that called he that when other people did not seem to care that he (an 18 year old man) was manipulating a 13 year old in a romantic and physical relationship. I adamantly assured him that I was not the only one calling him a child molester but I was the only one who cared enough for him to tell him to his face what others were murmuring being his back. And when I called him a child molester, I did not say it publicly in an aggressive or demeaning way. I remember I said to him in private (in a relative whisper to soften the blow), "I think you are a child molester."

My motivation was to 'strike' him with the the truth. And if it hurt him... that should be expected. 

I understand being called a molester is not on most people's 'Bucket List'. Unchanging I reminded him it was the truth and I didn't regret it. I made a parallel saying, "If I rapped somebody and people started calling me a rapist, I had no right to be offended. It would be the truth."
If somebody called me a child molester I would just say, "Ok?" Because I have never molested a child so there is no power in that accusation.  

He then pathetically spiralled into justifications for his perversion. Listing a list of people that said it was okay for him to take advantage of the minor girl. I was disheartened to hear his family on his list of supporters of him dating the child (which contradicts what was said earlier this semester in a conversation with the students involved, their respective parents, and the school admin.).

I don't know what they believe but parents often overlook the sin and failings of their children. And in Korea I'm learning parents will lie outright to 'save face'.  “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.” -Proverbs 27:5

Truthfully I always had a voice in my head questioning, "You are just overreacting." "He just made a mistake." "He is too young to be a molester."

But his actions again today just reiterated the truth:
If you are an adult taking advantage of a 13 year old child, you are a child molester. 

If you lie, over and over, about being in a relationship with a child, you know you are doing wrong. 

If you continue to 'date' a child in secret after telling others you had broken up, you are a dangerous predator. 

Don't perpetrators always justify their 'love' for children. While he was chasing after his excuses today, a queazy feeling bellowed in my stomach. It revealed to me that no matter how much I wish he weren't a predator, he does and says everything a predator does and says. 

When I was in Thailand I was told that Korean men were the number one consumers in the sex tourist industry in most Southeast Asian nations. And I immediately thought of Byeontae. It's a real likelihood that this student that I sincerely love will someday go to Thailand and buy and rape young children. My idea of him now is that he is just a lost, confused little boy but I need to come to terms that he is an adult already guiltlessly abusing children today. 

I am surprised and some-what grateful for our ten minute lunch. He could have just dumped me in an email or on the phone. (Though he didn't have to ruin my Saturday evening by having walk around in the humid Korean summer for 30 minutes looking for him.) When we separated he said, "See you later." I asked if that was a promise. Things are not looking too hopeful now but who knows. I hope to see him again. His mom was waiting for him outside the restaurant like a getaway driver. The meeting was surreal. I told him I wanted to better discuss his thoughts and feelings. I looked back when he was waking away and it was as if he was boldly yet blindly walking down a dark, suffocating tunnel with no end. 

My heart is open but my hands are hiding

afraid I'll feel you dying 

I wish that I could touch your soul but I'm just another man 

There's not much I can do.

I do not regret calling him a child molester nor do I believe I was wrong. His sexual perversions is something he is going to have to address at some point in his life. We all need to be rebuked and it is never easy. I am saddened that when I tried to show him true friendship and accountability he just cut-and-ran. I wish I had more friends in Korea that would call me out and expose my sin.  I am trying to find comfort in the promises of God and he says:

“Speak these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you." -Titus 2:15

-I am sad that he now 'hates me'. But I find confidence and peace that his feelings is the result of me doing what is right.  

“Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.” -Proverbs 9:8

-I want Byeontae to be the second half of this verse. I want him to be wise and to understand my motivation was to protect his victim and him.
“He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.” Proverbs 17:10

-'His soul' ...That is what concerns me the most. The state of his soul... I feel I have failed him. 

“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." -Proverbs 29:15

-He is not receiving wisdom. The chains of his enslavement are tightening. And the consequences of his sexual inclinations will surely bring shame to him, his family, and everyone he loves and values.  

Fool me once...

Recently my mental aguish has gradually been on the rise. My distress sprung from the inflation of four significant personal issues/decisions I was pressed to confront. Every Sunday the prayer team at my church offers prayer for any desperate soul in need. Praying is really personal for me. Some of my most intimate exchanges with friends have been while we prayed together. So I was bit trepidatious to approach the intimidating prayer team stranger but I had reached my max in regards to my strain. I had never gone to the prayer team before but I know there is power in prayer. I had been praying for discernment, and had asked multiple people to pray as well, but I still had no ‘answer’ from God. (Or at least an answer I could comprehend).

One of the weights on my shoulders was a relationship one of my students. A student that I personally cared deeply for had lied to and betrayed me multiple times. He was #3 on my list of loads I needed lifted. I lingered after the service, unsure if I wanted to approach the pray-ers. After seeing the gentle face of the prayer-lady I decided to stay. I introduced myself and she claimed to be named ‘Angel’. I am not entirely confident that was her real name. I think she needs the alias to protect herself from prayer recipients with an inclination of stalking… Which I qualify.

The prayer experience was strange for me. For those of you who don’t know me, I am not a hugger. And Angel intimately prayed for me (if you know what I mean...). I told her my ‘list of four’ and before we started to pray she asked if she could put her hand on my back. That's safe enough, I could do that. Little did I know she would go all Song of Solomon on me. As the prayer progressed, our hands went from holding to fastened to a vice-grip. And she used the ploy of putting her hand on my back as an excuse to pull her entire body towards mine as if she was magnetizing a potential husband. I am saying all of this in jest (and slightly in fear/trauma). In truth I was encouraged by the sincerity and passion of her prayer. But at times she was so inflamed with the Spirit that my hand brushed her ‘nursers’ (as my eloquent father says). I don’t know how she could have NOT noticed. Maybe I am too easily distracted? At the end of the prayer I knew I was in for a hug. I was expecting a cordial, brief side-hug. That is as intimate as most co-ed Christians allow themselves. Not Angel. As I tried to make my escape she full-body, chest-to-chest embraced me for a strong 7-34 minutes. I didn’t know how to respond. The only people I just want to hold for prolonged periods of time with no reason is Miss Berkley and her brother.    

After the prayer I genuinely felt like I forgave my lying student. The resentment and pain that I harbored dissolved away.
Then Monday that same student lied to me again...

I still feel forgiveness for him and brokenness but as my G-Dubya says, 

"Fool me once, shame on... shame on you.
Fool me, you can't get fooled again."

Search History

This semester I get to teach a writing and reading class to two middle school boys. (There are really three guys in the class but the third student is a hybrid of Disney dwarves Sleepy and Dopey. He either doesn’t show up to class or is sleeping). We’ve been reading To Kill a Mockingbird. [Frustratingly, I chose that book because the narcoleptic student has to read it for his English class so I thought it would be beneficial that he get extra exposure to it. Yet he has no clue what is going on…] I remember struggling through the book myself as a 7^th grader in Mrs. Pyka’s class. The book is much funnier and significant for me this second time around. I also admire Atticus much more now then when I was a 13-year-old chillin. It is difficult explaining the cultural context of the story at times. We usually have our computers up if they need to translate a word or ‘image search’ something. Last week I was with my two faithful middle schoolers (the snoozing senior was MIA) and we were at the start of the trial. Scout describes the scene outside the courthouse comparing the congregation of white audience members versus black. Before they enter the courthouse Scout observes the whites massed together picnicking and remarks

“Greasy-faced children popped-the-whip through the crowd, and babies lunched at their mother’s breast.”

It was about break time for me and I was feeling a bit silly so I asked the younger of of the two guys what ‘breast’ meant and he didn’t know. As a hint I asked him again and gently pinched his nipple through his shirt a couple times. He didn’t catch the hint, just giggled. I turned to the other boy and he appeared slightly uncertain he leaned forward to do a Google search. But I embarrassingly rushed to cover his keyboard. Lord knows what he would have turned up.  

Not relevant to my story but one of my favorite quotes from the whole book.

Slapping Five

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“I hang out in sports bars a lot. I’m not that into sports. I’m not really
a drinker either. But I love slapping five.”

That is a Demetri Martin joke and polar opposite to how I feel. Sports, sports bars, and slapping five are not ‘my bag…baby.’ However, I am not a drinker so we got that going for us. I just wanted to write about something not so heavy and depressing and I thought my unnatural animosity towards athletic PDA would be a humorous topic.

If you know me, or have seen my frail figure, you will know sports have never been a skill I’ve excelled at. I am too uncoordinated and robotic. I can’t even clap and sing at the same time. I remember when I was in high school I was on the basketball team. I would like to say, ‘I played basketball’ but that would require getting off the bench. My main job was to use my four fouls if the Battlin Billies needed to stall the clock. I was fine with that. The whole dribbling and ball-in-the-basket was difficult for me. Hitting people was a skilled I honed through childhood experiments with my sister…

I remember how foolish and uncomfortable I felt when our team would ‘huddle up’ before we would run onto the court. Luckily my friend Aner was just as embarrassed so we would stand to the side while the rest of the team got riled up. Then there was the unnatural desire that some teammates have to give and receive high fives. I do not know if I have ever instinctively felt the need to high five someone. Sometimes my students instigate the high five and I feel like an awkward hypocrite when I concede to that lone hand in the air.  

But the ‘high five’ is one of many examples of my impaired social skills. This runs through my mind every time I have to make a first impression:

 

I Want to Remove His Veil

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. (vs. 3)

My cousin encouraged me to meditate on 2 Corinthians 4 after reading my blog post ‘A Book.’ I have always admired this cousin and she and her husband are undeniable spiritual mentors and examples for my sister and I. My cousin was trying to comfort me in my emotional mêlée since my allowance for my initially intimate relationship with Byeontae to dissolve into disgust. It sincerely was unintentional. He claims to have really put an end to dating his underage girlfriend (an endeavor he reluctantly braved after receiving pressure from the school [teachers-principal-founder], his parents, and her parents… not his conscious. -A reputable step he was forced to take so his sincerity is questionable). If they truly are no longer together, I praise God. But when I see him, I do not see a guy I used to like or even a student. I see deviant predator. I don't like to see him around any of the Middle Schoolers. I do not know the depths of his perversion and he makes me nervous. And I exhaustively pray that I am wrong and that the Lord allow me to see Byeontae with the same loving and wanting eyes that he views him with.

Regretfully, I realize I ‘cut my losses’ in respects to Byeontae. It was the easiest and safest solution. I thought that I could begrudgingly tolerate him the five hours a week we have to share a room. I hate to throw a wrench into any false notion that teachers like all (or even most) of their students. I’ve taught students I was repulsed by, fearful of, driven insane by… but it is my job not to show my (non-encouraging) feelings. And honestly I am not that good at it. My friends used to make fun of me because they claim to be able to discern my true feelings by the expression on my face. I am self-conscious that Byeontae is receptive of my negative feelings towards him. And that is not fair.

This week we made an appointment to study for a challenging test worth 25% of his grade. Byeontae is smart but the test is specifically onerous. (And it is always a good idea to study with someone who has the answers…) He stood me up for our tutoring appointment. Admittedly I was relieved because I was unsure how spending such intimate time together would turn out given my current perception of him.

My cousin invalidated my feelings revealing how they were motivated by my sin. I was applying my expectations and those were out of his spiritual jurisdiction. She said that his sin was not a personal attack on me but a natural expression of his need for our Savior. She wrote:

“He doesn't have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of him to guide him into all truth… what I DO know is that you have to pray like never before that OUR GOD will remove the veil from his eyes and transfer him from the darkness into the kingdom of His glorious light.  That is his only hope and ours.”

-------------

The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. (vs. 4)

I am in no position to judge anyone. And though all will be held accountable to God’s judgment, Byeontae is not a believer and desperately needs the Holy Spirit to guide his life today. I’ve been praying that the Lord grant me forgiveness and if not, that he mend our impaired relationship. The motivation is no longer personal or social, rather professionally and spiritual. I mustered all the restraint I could and Friday after school I offered to meet with him at some time in the weekend to study with him if he wanted. He declined. His rejection might have been personally motivated or he might actually be busy. Either way, I feel like I did my best.
An immature and arrogant part of my sinful heart wants him to do poorly on his test to reiterate how much he needs me but that is trash. The more reflective part of me (though often weaker) wants to shine the light of the Gospel to this guy. And God has given me that light. I hope to illuminate Chris’s love and freedom to Byeontae and my other kids.   

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. (vs. 6)