Say what you mean and be mean about what you say.

I know I do not keep this blog thing going well. But I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I have significant, poignant things to share but then forget within three minute. At one time I even started a list titled, ‘Things to Blog About.' Then I promptly lost it.  

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Thanks Gandhi.

One thing that has emotively be cycling in recent experiences is the power of people’s words. Within he past couple of months I experienced some uncomfortable truths. I will not even begin to say I do not lie but I try not to. And in seasoned Christian fashion, I’ve learned how to justify my half-truths or avoid telling the truth while not telling a lie. I consider myself emotionally reclusive with most people. And I like that. I feel like the intimacy of my emotional commitments weakens if they are shared with many people. However, I do consider myself to be truthful. I would rather be told something hurtful if it is the truth. I will be upset and defensive but it is the truth; there is no argument against the truth.

The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are those living a lie.

Working with kids I’ve learned that honor, trustworthiness, respectability are things that must be taught. They are not inherent. Our sin-nature knows how to ‘protect’ ourselves. I sincerely feel like I treat my students well. I try to be respectful to them and treat them as I feel people should treat each other I feel that as a teacher, and more importantly, as a Christian, my purpose is to serve and love my kids. And God knows I would not choose many of the students I have however, I consider our divine placement together part of the beauty of our Father. He puts kids in my class that need something from me or I need to learn something from them. His plan is always perfect.

This past semester I had two different experiences with students concerning the value of their word. I have one student whom I care deeply for. He is really special to me. I love him, yet he drives me crazy! But I think that is part of the reward of being his teacher. I’ve told my kids multiple times I would rather they tell me a painful truth than to ever lie to me. That I would respect them more if they were truthful rather than deceitful. Sadly, truthfulness isn’t always a ‘Korean character trait.' Anyway, this student had the unfortunate reputation of lying to other teachers but I never remember him lying to me. He unashamedly would tell the truth no matter how embarrassing it was and that was one of the things I found most refreshing about him. But then came the day when he lied to me. It truly hurt my heart. I don’t remember what he lied about but I remember it wasn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t have been mad if he had told me the truth. But knowing he was lying to me caused all my trust to dissolve away. I know my aspirations for him are too lofty but since that day, I haven’t been able to commit to him. That is one good thing about being on vacation, I will go back and get to start all over with him and trust him as much as I used to. Conversely there is another student who lies all the time and I have no respect for or positive feelings towards. If they were to tell me that I was a huge REBA fan and that Miss Berkley was the most beautiful girl in the world I would doubt it… and my entire reason for living.
I feel nothing but annoyance when they now lie to me but they introduced a new angle of untruthfulness to me. They told lies about me to others and most importantly to my boss. Luckily this kid has a shameful reputation as a pathological liar so my boss didn’t believe him. It still made me feel so vulnerable and violated. I wish I could go back to school in March with the same ‘forgive and forget’ attitude I have towards my other kid but realistically, the likelihood of that is nonexistent. I’ve actually heard multiple sermons about forgiveness and how God’s forgiveness is like a brazillion times greater than any forgiveness we could give others… So I feel convicted to forgive the kid but when I visualize their face or hear their name, a heat wave radiates from my heart… so, baby steps.

Those are experiences with kids so I cannot gauge them as I do interactions with normal people. No matter how much power I allow them to have over my feelings, I do realize they are just kids and I am their teacher.

I recently felt a greater sense of betrayal when I heard that someone I considered a close friend had told others about a maiden I had a crush on. Writing that, I know it is extremely juvenile. And honestly, I don’t care that people know I had a crush on said lady. So the fact that the ‘secret’ is out doesn’t bother me. But I confided in him as a peer and brother. I would like to think I wouldn’t betray someone like that. Now I sadly feel like he is ‘just someone I used to know.’ I am on the plane home and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to contact people to 'have a meeting with.' Two months ago he would have been a must-see but now I’m not sure he even knows I’m coming home. And I'm not telling him.
One good thing about being in Korea is that it has given me an osprey’s viewpoint. I am physically removed from all my relationships. It allows me more objectivity and reaffirms who is truly a brother and sister.

Lets try this again.

“Well fiddlesticks!” It has been a while since I’ve updated this here blog… A lot has happened. Currently I am on a bus from Ansan (near my old city) to Icheon. My computer battery has a life expectancy of about an hour so I figure this would be a good, internet-free time I could restart this thing. I’ve been living in Icheon since December when I started working at a small, private boarding Middle and High School. I wish I had been keeping up with this. I feel like I need to play catch up but I will not. I will just start from where I am now though briefly explaining my journey to my current stage of life. My new job is a complete blessing. I feel like the job was tailor-made for me. I had been looking and interviewing for jobs since March of 2011. There were prospects, some offers made, many rejects… and I was very angry with God for not ‘giving’ me a job. And ‘angry’ is a mild expression for the emotion I was feeling. It is hard to explain but I felt such intense resentment for God that I… felt an ‘anger’ towards him I had never experienced. But humbly I can confidently say it was His provision that professionally preserved me for this job. Searching for a new job was exhausting, stressful, and emotional. I was lucky not to HAVE TO have a new job. I was still working at English Village (my old place) and they were very gracious and patient with me. (Thank you so much Park. Sorry for any sass I ever sent your way). I was hoping for a university job or possibly a job with the Korean military. As a back up I started applying for International Schools and some private High Schools. I applied for ATA simply as a ‘safety.’ A man with difficult English contacted me for an interview shortly after I applied (an exciting but not always good sign). Motivated by an excuse to take a day off work, I decided to interview for the ATA job. I was still holding out for a university job so I was not terribly concerned or stressed about my ATA interview. Actually, getting to the interview was not a fun experience. One of the biggest cities in Korea is ‘Incheon’ but I was interviewing in ‘Icheon’ so that damn ‘N’ caused some trouble for me. Also, my contact at ATA was difficult to understand on the phone and in email (and in person -<3 TJN). The day of the interview I took an express bus to Icheon then blindly search for the local bus that would take me to the school. My contact did not tell me how impossible it would be to catch a bus to the school. And he also told me it would be 40 minutes in a taxi. I did not want to pay for a 40 minute taxi ride so I was hell bent on taking the bus… I will sum up that experience with saying it took me over two hours before I settled on taking the taxi… When I arrived at the school for the interview I was so pissed at ‘Tom’ that I had decided, ‘There is no way I am taking this job!’ As I walked up to the school, some students approached me and start talking with me. Then a wiry blond fella comes out and introduces himself and ‘Tom.’ I was surprised and embarrassed that a white person had such ‘undelicious’ English. (I later found out he was German and they don’t speak English there like they do in the movies I’ve seen). Tom leads me to his office but says he is interviewing someone so to wait in the next room. I immediately feel a sense of competition with this unknown person in the office. I’m mentally competing for a job I guaranteed I would not take. Tom shows me to an adjacent room where there are seven teenaged boys actively ‘studying’… I mean playing videogames. I was very uncomfortable. I was in adult-Justin, pretend-to-be-professional mode but then I was in a room with a bunch of kids. I awkwardly tried to make conversation with them but they were not interested. There English was very ‘big.’ As I waited for Tom to finish his interview with the undeserving loser, I talked with the boys. It was through conversing with them and asking questions I started praying that Tom offer me the job. Before I had even interviewed I knew that ATA is where I needed to be. The interview went well. Tom was loose with the start date and that benefited me. One of the things I hate most about myself is my horrible first-impressions and inability to make ‘small-talk’. (It pains me to try to have a conversation with people I newly meet). I haphazardly tried to make jokes but his confused expression was not encouraging. I forget that my humor takes time to… not hate. For example, when we were talking about pay he asked how much I was making and I told him, ‘2.3’… He wrote on a piece of paper that I would be starting out at 2.7. I was shocked and elated. All I remember saying was, ‘Well that would be more wouldn’t it.’ (Notice the period, not a question mark.) But I remember Tom looking at me like I was retarded and couldn’t tell which number was greater. I left the interview feeling confident, but nothing was signed and that is always a bit scary. I return to my English Village and told them that ATA wouldn’t need me until March (which perfectly consigned with the end of my contract). Then a week later, Tom calls and asks if I can start right away. English Village was very kind with me and let me out of my contract, helped me move, and just let me go with limited drama. Now I’ve been at ATA for over five months and I still love it. I cannot imagine a more ideal job. Wait, being Miss and Baylor’s caregiver, REBA’s love slave, or permanent volunteer at Camp Peniel would be better; but in Korea, I could not find a more cohesive job. Wait, maybe being Super Junior’s caregiver, REBA’s love slave, or Big Bang’s permanent English tutor/token white friend would be more cosmic. I want to write more about my job and my kids but not now. Maybe in a couple of months. ;) I spent the weekend with some of my English Village friends and I was saddened by how much I miss them. I wish I could to spend more time with them but I do not miss the job of English Village in any way. It is weird. I miss a lot about Hardin and still feel like part of me is there but if I never see English Village again… I will be okay with that. (That sounds bad but I am not saying that with any animosity).

"Part of a main."

While I was home this past summer I received a lot to mull over. Most significant and pertinent is the context and health of most of my relationships.

Family: Earlier this year while I was here in Korea my Grandmother got cancer and quickly declined. Not being home to say goodbye or to go to her funeral was very difficult. I hate that I've missed things like that but it still isn't enough to bring me back home. While I was home this summer I got to see my Miss y Baby, VaLa, Mom, Dad, Prejean, grandparents, (some) cousins, aunts/uncles... and it all felt the same. Healthy, natural; as if we just picked up where we left off. I think it is a pathetic reflection of my warped, misdirected affections that I miss Miss Berkely more than anyone else. I want to reserve the 'L-word' for only the most deserving and Miss without question qualifies. I LOVE MISS!!!
I got to spend a good amount of time with my VaLa before she had to start school. Dan and everyone else were mostly preparing for school... like usual. It is self-absorbed but I felt like maybe the world should halt because I was home. It was good physically seeing and talking with my family but it was just as it was when I left.
I feel, on the family front, I am at the same intimacy level as I was pre-Korea.
[The exception is my Miss. My feels have only grown stronger. ;)]

Hardin Family: I actually felt jealous while I was back in Hardin. I feel like they have all grown-on without me. Jonesey went off and got knocked up and didn't even ask what I thought the spawns name should be. And they are growing uncomfortably close to my replacement. Some (Mealer) closer than others... But dinner with them was one of my favorite times. I felt like there was a bubble of love and camaraderie engulfing our Chilie's table. I wanted to teach in Korea but with them. Just transport our 'Department of the Century' to Korea. We would be unstoppable. Like the planeteers.
I wonder what powers our rings would hold?
Without a doubt Keys would be 'Heart.' She already pretends to possess the ability to talk to non-human animals.
Mealer and Jonesey... I am not sure what they are most qualified for?
Me... my ring would fire. I like to burn things. But that power doesn't enflame much potential to do good other than provide entertainment.
I imagine Mealer fighting for the 'wind' ring. So he could push people down without having to touch them.
Jones... I keep imaging her as the lady lumberjack she dressed up as for our Department Christmas cards. So I will give her 'earth.'
Either way, 'as our powers combined' we would definitely call our Captain Marberries. Decked out in white in red tights with slick-backed green hair.
I miss them.

I also got to see some of my old students. That was refreshing. I miss some of them. It is needy to want to mean something to them. I just hope that they felt that I cared/care for them.

Friends:
This area of my emotional life was most tricky and confusing.
I met up with some of my closest SFA-friends for an impromtu-road trip. This was the first time I started to feel like I must have changed a lot. I didn't really enjoy the trip. I was glad to see them and I wanted to talk with them. But maybe I was in a bad mood or we just were... off but I didn't enjoy the trip. Well, parts of it. I felt like I was meeting some of my closest friends, people I most genuinely love, for the first time. I didn't really know how to communicate with them. Especially not as intimately and naturally as I could in the past. Instinctively I want to blame them but it happened too often for it to be others.

Being here has terminated (to some degree) many relationships. And in all honesty, I don't think that is a bad thing. Relationships take work and if the players aren't continually together, it takes effort to maintain a deep level of intimacy and community. I thought I was intentional in maintaining specific relationships but maybe some relationships (even if you don't want them to be) are just 'seasonal.'
I wanted to meet up with others more but their schedules didn't really allow it. To be honest I was hurt by that. I thought, "I haven't seen you in over a year! Make time for me!" I thought that if they wanted to, they could find time. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to feed into dying friendships?

Even with my best friend... I couldn't relate to him. A lot has changed for both of us over the past year and 'one' half. It was my weekend with him that revealed how much I have changed. The scary thing is that our relationship has always been firmly based off Christ. So I wonder how far from God I must have drifted if I couldn't even slightly relate to him?

I am not sure what my intent is with saying this. I think it is the most significant thing I learned while I was home and I've spent a lot of time thinking about since then.

My time at Camp and with Jason/Jenny was when I felt most... continuous. As if a year away from my 'real life' didn't effect us at all. They still had Fat-ass and even added to the problem but I still enjoyed my time with them. And that is probably why I stayed with them for the majority of my time in Texas.

"No man is an island"

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


John Donne

What else can I do?

I’m now starting my sixteenth month here. I feel lucky to have been able to go home twice since I started here. My first visit home was for a friend’s wedding and though I was happy to be there going home at that time was s huge mistake. It was very rushed, exhausting and expensive. In a strange way I learned how to go home and that emotional sacrifices will be inevitable. My second trip to The State was better. Mostly because I had six full weeks back home. Towards the end of the six weeks I was bored, out of money and ready to come back. Not working was fun at first but then I just started to feel useless. And I spent an American amount of money on food. But I don’t regret that at all!

One day when my sister and I were in Fredericksburg helping my mom clean/prepare her classroom for the upcoming school year. Doing that reaffirmed that I do not want to come back and teach in the States right now. Also just seeing American kids out in public was a turn off. I liked teaching back home but after being here I don’t feel it is worth it. It is too hard. So much is invested with little return. Plus it always felt like an uphill battle. However, while I was back in Texas I felt like I was home. And I felt, ‘this is who I am and where I was made to be.’ So I started thinking about other careers I could pursue in Texas outside of teaching. The best I could come up with was Starbucks.
I even went by and talked with a Navy and Air Force recruiter.

In all honesty my main motivation for wanting to go back is to get married and start a family. I don’t foresee myself marrying a Korean but I do want Korean kids… So living in a country that is 98% Korean poses a problem in the spousal department. But I could easily sneak away a couple of cute Korean buttons in my pocket if adoption doesn’t work out. I don’t feel old, and I am not too concerned, but I’m 25 and feel like the next step is to ‘settle down.’ But whatever happens will happen.

All those professional and procreation pulls attracting me back home faded away on my first Monday back. I was on my way to my bus stop and saw all the awkward Korean students in their undersized school uniforms on their way to school. And an internal peace engulfed my heart. I want to have a family and I want to be back home (mostly so I can eat bbq and Mexican food) but I don’t want any of those enough to leave here just yet.

Re-Start

A lot has happened since May. I want to do this better. I will try.

"You are here a lot."

I've said this before but one thing I really love about English learners here is that they tend to be more honest and direct because of their limited vocabulary and unfamiliarity with BS-ing in English. I was reminded of this sentiment earlier this past week when I went to the Starbucks I am convicted that I patronize a bit too often.

One of my favorite things to do is to go to the Starbucks and write letters to people. I seriously make a day out of it. I load up my computer/headphones, notebooks, and multiple colored Sharpies and take the subway 30 minutes to the nearest Starbucks at Jugang station. I am so pathetic I know where every electrical outlet in located. I try to get there early enough to claim my favorite spot next to the windows so I can charge my computer while people watch when my hands start to cramp.
I sometimes feel a little embarrassed that I am always there and that enjoy it so much but I don't care. I may have written this before but I have passed some of the Starbucks baristas on the street a couple of times...

I've run into the same chick three different times around Jugang. She is super cute and wears glasses frames even though they do not have lenses in them. (I find that oddly attractive). Anyway, even though our conversations never waded deeper then, "I'll have a venti caramel machioto. Ju si a oh. "
Anyway the first time I saw her on the street I said hello as we passed. She was receptive of my greeting. And so I felt confident I had a new Korean friend. (Even though I do not know her name).
Another time I recognized this guy that works at my Starbucks. As he approached I gave him the casual head-nod and said, "Anyang ha se yo." He slowly walked passed me terrified as if I threatened to rape a teacup Chiwawa. (And I might have. I mean I was trying to say hello but my pronunciation is horrible!) However, unlike the cutie with fake glasses, I learned that he and I were not friends.

Anyway, this past week a friend of mine and I went into that same Starbucks and a different male employee there asked, "Do you mind if I ask what you do?" We told him that we were teachers and he asked where... His English was really good. Better then most. Koreans like it when you praise their English (even if it is no bueno). But really he spoke confidently and sounded natural. Somewhere in the short conversation he said, "I've seen you before. You come here a lot." That translate into real English as, "You are a pathetic loser that has no friends and comes to Starbucks too often."

I took his honesty as a springboard to a new friendship. So now I have one more Korean friend! (I forgot to ask him his name though...)

In .love.
Jp

25 years of the same assumption

Just so we are all on the same page, I know I suck at this whole blogging thing. But today I wrote a funny email to a good friend of mine and when I was re-reading it I thought I could post it here. I am only slightly changing the email to explain things better (and to try to be funnier).

A couple of weeks ago I went and saw a movie/concert thing at the Ganganam CGV movie theater. The movie/concert was called, "Super Junior 3D". And it was in 3D. (I loath 3D movies. They should give consumers the option of 3D or regular. I would rather not pay twice the amount for a show only to be nauseated by the 3D-ness). I am not a big Super Junior fan but I wanted to see a K-pop concert and this was a cheap alternative.
I am reminded almost daily at what a loser, freak I am. The universe reminded me of this fact when the only other people in the theater were teenage girls with their mothers. And a friend I had to pay for to go with me. Even though I am not familiar with Super Junior I really liked their show. They seemed to genuinely enjoy their job and I can tell they worked hard to choreograph their dances. And I respect hard work and taking pleasure in one's work. There was this one song that I had never heard called, "똑똑똑 (Tok Tok Tok)". And was giggling non-stop during this song. And it was a case of the full-blown 'church giggles.' I actually like the song but the style was really unexpected. Super Junior has multiple sub-groups and the group that sang this song is called, "Super Junior T". The 'T' is short for 'Trot' -a type of traditional pop music.
Here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0BrOP12ops&feature=related

And I know this sounds uber gay. But when I was at the movie/concert I felt drawn to 'Leeteuk' (the one in a silver jacket with a red barrette...). I really like his voice (especially around the 2:59 mark. I find people who can yell-sing very impressive. -I think I am a relatively confident guy but I wish I could sing well. I really, really suck at singing and dancing. I can not even clap and sing at the same time. I get too overwhelmed.) Anyway, I don't know why I felt 'drawn to him' so I figured it was because God wanted me to pray for him. So I put him on my 'List of Five' that I've been praying for everyday for almost a month! (That is totally a praise to God because I can never do something that requires ANY self discipline!)

Since I knew nothing about this guy I started to do research. And it turns out he is on a variety show called 'Sacred Heart' I like to watch. And even though I don't understand what they say I've always liked his character. I don't know why I think this but I think he is mischievous and says things that others aren't expecting. Which naturally I embrace. He seems self aware and intentional. He speaks direct and confidently. He is the type that when he says stuff people listen. I wish I were more like that. But so much BS spews from my mouth nobody pays attention to the .3% of the time I have something significant to say.

[This sounds like a schizophrenic is writing it... Sorry]

But anyway, I wanted to share the video and I started talking about everything under the sun.

On a related note. There is a new girl at work from South Africa. And I usually try to make it a habit not to like people from Africa but she is white so she is an exception. I honestly don't think she likes me very much which sucks because we all spend a lot of time together. I know I annoy her with my 'humor'. She doesn't find me funny therefore I find her stupid. She also thinks I am racist. And in my defense I told her everybody was racist.
[Justification: I confess that I am prejudice but I know my inclinations are wrong. So I try not to act on them. And I say racist things because I know racism really is an issue with many people (especially where I am from) but I try to say racist things that are obviously BS. Just to assure you, if I ever had anything mean or rude or racist to say and I truly believed it, then I wouldn't say it.]

I actually think she is coming around to not disliking me but I am consciously trying not to joke with her specifically. (Girls can be so sensitive). But today she said, "Justin, can I tell you something and you not get mad?" I said yes and to that she replied, "Oh, never mind..." ...After assuring her that I didn't respect her opinion enough to give two shakes about what she thought. She confided in me that when she first met me she thought I was 'a gay.'
Big surprise there. Its not the first time I've heard that.
I do like that she said, 'a gay' (singular). I am going to have to start calling people that. (Unless they are actually gay, then it would be mean...)

Straight up I know that I am not the most masculine/butch person out there. But I don't give a shiz. I would rather people think/say I'm gay then for me care if people think/say I'm gay. I thought she would make that ASSumption because of my obsession with K-pop and Korean dramas or continually talking to anyone that will listen about Big Bang. Her evidence of my gayness was the fact that I giggled, talk with my hands, and am 'metro'. I really don't know metro means but to each their own. She also said because I dyed my hair auburn. (In my defense, when you have a Korean guy, who no hable English, cut and dye your hair, you don't always get what you expect.) She also said I was fashionable. That was a quick indication that she is unstable because today I was wearing a flannel shirt I found at Camp Peniel, a sweater I've worn since Middle School, and a belt buckle that my mom wore when my dad rodeoed. Not to mentioned I hadn't fix my auburn hair.

I used to get really upset when people said or asked if I was gay but now, "Aint nobody got time for that!'?" Maybe I should be more conscious of what people think of me... but that seems too consuming.
I spent so much of my life being hyper-sensitive about what others thought of me that once I finally found freedom from that I went in the polar opposite direction. I think that I need to find a happy medium. But I aint gonna stop listening to K-pop.

In .love.
Jp