Closing a Chapter or Book?

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The past three weeks brought me through an emotional journey and exposed my biggest professional mistake I’ve made. I’ve felt humiliation, rejection, and disappointment but thankfully, I am confidently resting in joy. The joy that God graciously protects me especially in my weakness.

I don’t want to ‘spare the long story’ because these feelings and experiences are some that I should not forget.

In March my school (broke my contract and) forced me to move onto our campus. Already, I live in BFE and my job consumes the majority of my week. Therefore I was not looking forward to physically living thirty yards from my classroom. I have no separation in my life. Personal and professional areas have blended together to where I’ve lost any hint of an independent life. Retrospectively, I see that my job’s emotional and time consumption skewed my personal judgment. The environment is unarguably unhealthy. 

 

Usually I jet out off campus as soon as I possibly can on Fridays after lunch but five weeks ago I was here on a Friday night. Coincidentally, so was one of my students (I will call him Byeontae). I wanted to get to know him better so I asked him to town. The majority of the out-of-class time I spend personally with my students still feels like I am working. I was nervous about inviting Byeontae to dinner. I had only talked with him once before and I just wanted to be kind. The evening out with him was far easier then I was expecting. I am a terrible socializer. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in failed attempts to make conversation. But talking with Byeontae, it was effortless and natural. So much so that I asked to meet him the following weekend.

The Han River is my favorite place in all of Seoul and the cherry blossoms were supposed to have bloomed. Byeontae and I made plans to go walking and to play badminton. We didn’t end up going to the cheery blossoms or playing badminton, we just walked along the Han for hours. I calculated we walked around ten miles. During our time, I felt like I was talking to one of my old ‘brothers’ back in Texas. I started to perceive him not as my student but rather as a friend. I know that failure was solely my mistake. And that is the professional misadventure I’ve painfully learned.

I remember when we were about to separate I told him I was struggling with how I classify our interactions. I hadn’t treated him as a student and honestly, and I didn’t want to. I thought that I had met someone (unfortunately ten years younger than me) and could build a relationship similar the ones I miss back home. A relationship I am lacking here.
Strangely though, while we were at the Han one of my Middle School girls was continually texting him. I teased him a little but shortly after, promised to stop because ‘I know nothing is going on…’

Well, I was wrong. It turns out that they were dating. In my mind, I cannot honestly fathom that. How could this guy that I liked so much, that I found so interesting and challenging, that I respected and thought highly of… How could this 18 year old man pursue a relationship with a 13 year old girl?!!? I asked him the same thing and he assured me they were ‘just close friends’. To that I asked, “Why?!” How can an 18 year old man be close friends with a Middle School girl?!

Though his actions scream something contrary, I believed him. It is a little pathetic, but this girl has had a little crush on 80% of the boys in our school. However, all the older guys in the past have naturally said you’re too young in response to her advances.
And that's what I thought it was. I thought the girl was pursuing Byeontae and he was just too kindhearted to tell her to buzz off. Again, I was wrong. He and I were still periodically socializing while they were dating but I just thought she was a crush that he couldn’t shake. I now see that my affection for him blinded me to his true character and the reality of the situation. 

In the following weeks they continued dating yet I was (weekly) telling him he was wrong. And he habitually lied to me reassuring me that "they were not dating" or "were no longer dating". I don’t blame the girl for liking him at all. I, 100% and full heartedly, put the blame on him: the man, the adult. I am satisfied that I did everything I could to clearly communicate to him that what he was doing was morally wrong, manipulative, dishonorable, and perverted. Clearly, he did not care. My biggest regret is that I didn’t officially bring my fears to the administration. I sincerely feel the girl is at risk and I view Byeontae as a real, dangerous predator taking advantage of her. I feel powerless to do anything.
I see now that the reason I didn’t tell the administration earlier was because I was trying to protect him and our ‘friendship’. I’ve since learned that it wasn’t only me encouraging them to stop. The administration had known about it longer than I and had known more about it then I had. 

I asked him one time what his parents must think of him dating a 13 year old child. He said they wouldn’t care as long as he was respectful. I think the fact that he is cruely taking advantage of her lacks real respect. I see now that he was just lying to me (again). If I had an 18 year old son dating a child, I would beat the hell out him. And if my 7^th grade daughter was dating an 18 year old man, I would take her out of the school.
I am also confused with why the others students don't harass him about it? Sadly, I think they don't care about him or her. I'm pretty sure I would have been making fun of any senior in the class of 2004 if they were dating a 7th grader!
Byeontae is new to our school and this situation makes me wonder why he left his former, more reputable school. I asked him twice before why he transferred midway through his senior year and he was slightly evasive. The answer he gave me seemed strange so I wonder if he is hiding something. Maybe he got in trouble for molesting a younger student at his old school?
I don't know what to think anymore. 

In the past three weeks my relationship with Byeontae has completely deteriorated. I battle to even look at him without feeling squeeze. When I see him and the child together, heat radiates in my chest and I clench my fist… and I just want to punch him in the face. But I can’t do that.
I can’t even look at him… I don't know if I’ve ever knowingly seen such a dangerous situation and felt so incapable of fixing it.

The most confusing truth is that I still really like him. I am conflicted because when I think of him, I see a perverted liar that pretends to be a respectable person. Yet selfishly, I’m torn because I still want to spend time with him and I deeply value the time we spent together. But I can’t get past the fact that he thinks it is justifiable to date little girls. Even if they break up (which I have been praying everyday, multiple times a day, that they do), I cannot vindicate him claiming it was an innocent mistake. He made an intentional decision that he still defends.

Three weeks ago I was assigned to work one-on-one with him for a specific department within the school. When we went to vote for my new student-leader, everybody voted for him except me (and one other). I withheld because I had already started to feel repulsed by him. I tried my best to work with him because I think as a teacher; you never want to ‘give up’ on a kid. In Texas I know I taught criminals, mental cases, perverts, losers, druggies, drug dealers, etc. but I thought that it was my job to love and serve them despite what they’ve done. But I felt like working for him was the same as condoning his perverse behavior.

I liken it to my presidential votes. I’ve been able to vote in three presidential elections and with each ballot I cast, I am extremely proud of how I voted. Even though 66% of them lost, I wouldn’t have changed which circle I bubbled (or what name I wrote in). But I am embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with him. Earlier this week I resigned from my position. I think he knew it was coming because I had told him when I was first assigned to him that I didn’t vote for him and felt uncomfortable being around him. Before I quit, I met with him hoping to explain my position. The explanation turned into a two-hour conversation. I feel justified in how I’ve treated him. I was as honest and faithful as I know how to be.

As a teacher, I failed him because I put unfair expectations on him.
As a ‘friend’, I treated him better than he treated me. (And that is expected because: 1. It was inappropriate to consider him a ‘friend’. 2. He obviously isn’t the type of person worth my trust and respect.)
As a person, I just want to kick him in the testicles until he doesn’t have a predilection for anyone ever again.
As a Christian I don't know how to treat him. I pray that I treat him with respect and that I love and try to ‘forgive’ him (but I don’t know what I need to forgive him of? Selfishly I feel betrayed. But I it is wrong of me to feel that. How do I forgive him of taking advantage of a child? That isn’t my role? And he is still taking advantage of her?). I do pray that he and I have a healthy relationship no matter what the context.
-One of my friends I confessed this whole situation to humbly delivered a blow to the scrotum by this rebuke: “Just as inappropriate it is for him to date the child, it is equally as inappropriate that you’ve befriended a student.”
I tried to defend myself but that truth has freed myself of some of the desire to maintain a friendship with Byeontae.

The most confusing part is that if this whole situation hadn’t happened I truly feel like I would have found a ‘brother’ to 'do life with'. It is hard to explain but I related and conversed with him comparably as I do with my ‘best bffs’. I know that is why I feel so hurt by the whole situation.

The Lord is faithful. I am humiliated by my professional misstep but I'm grateful for the correction. I do feel the Lord is changing my heart towards him. I think I will forgive his betrayal in time (if there is a future to our friendship). But I don't know how to approach his... inclination. How do I compartmentalize that?

Accidentally Cultured

 It is sad how I’ve come across pieces of classical literature or art. I’ve blogged once before about how I learned ‘To Thine own self be true…” was in fact an original line from Shakespeare and not a Reba McEntire song. It was also through pop-culture that I learned of the poem by John Donne: No Man Is An Island.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

I first heard that poem referenced in the Hugh Grant movie, ‘About A Boy’. The truth that no man is an island was echoed after I read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I always felt it a weakness to need others or anything. I was conflicted because I knew I was one of the neediest people created. No Man is an Island beautifully illustrates how willing or unwilling we are all connected. We are all part of the whole. That is humbling and empowering. I am not weak because I want a friend’s trust, a brother’s intimacy, an employer’s honesty, or a yorkie’s forced kisses… The poem speaks of universal connectivity… I interpret it (at this stage in my life) as a pass on needing others. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together applies a pungent spiritual truth to this aching need I struggle with. He says that fellowship is not essential to a relationship with Christ, rather it is a blessing and helps maintain a relationship with the Lord. 

I’ve been troubled by my need to need for the past couple of weeks. Then, through a series of events, my need for intimacy and how it impaired my judgment was cautiously revealed.
I am not ashamed to confess that I have few real friends here in Korea. And I do not use the word friend lightly. I reserve it for my most intimate and genuine relationships. I have many acquaintances or ‘friends from work’ but in Korea, I don’t have ‘people to do life with’. Bonhoeffer’s profound truth sucks to realize.

My school encourages us to build intimate relationships with the kids and that is one philosophy I enthusiastically accept. If I were to read about my life in a book or watch my story played out on a depressing, poorly scripted drama, I would think my character quite pathetic. I have little outside of my job. I give too much to a machine that just consumes. And honestly, I am okay with that. My hope is that, in the future I will have a family or a dog at least that desires more of my attention thus limiting the amount of energy I give my job. But as it is now, that is not in the cards for me so I look at my kids and classes as my foremost obligation.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my students to dinner and a movie. We had a couple more meals together and socialized on the weekend. And through our time together I started to view him as my ‘friend’ rather than my student. It was confusing for me because I naturally compartmentalize people and relationships. Professionally I’ve always tried to connect with kids that I’m drawn to while maintaining an appropriate distance. It was easier in the States because socializing outside of school was culturally not acceptable. But here my school and the parents encourage spending extra time with the students.

Through our personal time together I started to view and converse with this student as a peer rather than his teacher. And I intentionally chose to consider him a friend foremost and a student second. Retrospectively, that was a mistake. I let my personal relationship cloud my perception of him. In the previous weeks he engaged in behavior I could not understand or condone. Mistakes are mistakes and I could forgive a friend for making mistakes but he was untruthful with me. That is a quality I struggle to forgive in a friend. Students lie all the time, and I forgive them. It’s hard to trust them again, but I forgive. And the mistakes that he made causes me to question his true character and integrity.

I blame myself for my poor decision. I allowed my job to consume too much and blind me. I need separation from my school. I hate living there and physically being at work from Sunday to Friday. It is unhealthy and effecting my judgment and attitude.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about my predicament and he said it was inappropriate for me to consider not only a student a friend but an 18 year old my friend. I think he is right. Though I justify my actions thinking, my student was different.

I was (and am) not happy having to experience the pain and confusion this ordeal has brought me but I do like that I’ve learned invaluable lessons.
1. I need a pet. I need something outside of work to give my attention to.
2. I must separate my work life and my real life.
3. I will be more cautious when considering ‘friends’.  

"No Man is an Island..." Hugh Grant tries to maintain his independence while justifying his connection with others by saying, "Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island chains. Underneath, they are connected..." I will settle for that. 

Say what you mean and be mean about what you say.

I know I do not keep this blog thing going well. But I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I have significant, poignant things to share but then forget within three minute. At one time I even started a list titled, ‘Things to Blog About.' Then I promptly lost it.  

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Thanks Gandhi.

One thing that has emotively be cycling in recent experiences is the power of people’s words. Within he past couple of months I experienced some uncomfortable truths. I will not even begin to say I do not lie but I try not to. And in seasoned Christian fashion, I’ve learned how to justify my half-truths or avoid telling the truth while not telling a lie. I consider myself emotionally reclusive with most people. And I like that. I feel like the intimacy of my emotional commitments weakens if they are shared with many people. However, I do consider myself to be truthful. I would rather be told something hurtful if it is the truth. I will be upset and defensive but it is the truth; there is no argument against the truth.

The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are those living a lie.

Working with kids I’ve learned that honor, trustworthiness, respectability are things that must be taught. They are not inherent. Our sin-nature knows how to ‘protect’ ourselves. I sincerely feel like I treat my students well. I try to be respectful to them and treat them as I feel people should treat each other I feel that as a teacher, and more importantly, as a Christian, my purpose is to serve and love my kids. And God knows I would not choose many of the students I have however, I consider our divine placement together part of the beauty of our Father. He puts kids in my class that need something from me or I need to learn something from them. His plan is always perfect.

This past semester I had two different experiences with students concerning the value of their word. I have one student whom I care deeply for. He is really special to me. I love him, yet he drives me crazy! But I think that is part of the reward of being his teacher. I’ve told my kids multiple times I would rather they tell me a painful truth than to ever lie to me. That I would respect them more if they were truthful rather than deceitful. Sadly, truthfulness isn’t always a ‘Korean character trait.' Anyway, this student had the unfortunate reputation of lying to other teachers but I never remember him lying to me. He unashamedly would tell the truth no matter how embarrassing it was and that was one of the things I found most refreshing about him. But then came the day when he lied to me. It truly hurt my heart. I don’t remember what he lied about but I remember it wasn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t have been mad if he had told me the truth. But knowing he was lying to me caused all my trust to dissolve away. I know my aspirations for him are too lofty but since that day, I haven’t been able to commit to him. That is one good thing about being on vacation, I will go back and get to start all over with him and trust him as much as I used to. Conversely there is another student who lies all the time and I have no respect for or positive feelings towards. If they were to tell me that I was a huge REBA fan and that Miss Berkley was the most beautiful girl in the world I would doubt it… and my entire reason for living.
I feel nothing but annoyance when they now lie to me but they introduced a new angle of untruthfulness to me. They told lies about me to others and most importantly to my boss. Luckily this kid has a shameful reputation as a pathological liar so my boss didn’t believe him. It still made me feel so vulnerable and violated. I wish I could go back to school in March with the same ‘forgive and forget’ attitude I have towards my other kid but realistically, the likelihood of that is nonexistent. I’ve actually heard multiple sermons about forgiveness and how God’s forgiveness is like a brazillion times greater than any forgiveness we could give others… So I feel convicted to forgive the kid but when I visualize their face or hear their name, a heat wave radiates from my heart… so, baby steps.

Those are experiences with kids so I cannot gauge them as I do interactions with normal people. No matter how much power I allow them to have over my feelings, I do realize they are just kids and I am their teacher.

I recently felt a greater sense of betrayal when I heard that someone I considered a close friend had told others about a maiden I had a crush on. Writing that, I know it is extremely juvenile. And honestly, I don’t care that people know I had a crush on said lady. So the fact that the ‘secret’ is out doesn’t bother me. But I confided in him as a peer and brother. I would like to think I wouldn’t betray someone like that. Now I sadly feel like he is ‘just someone I used to know.’ I am on the plane home and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to contact people to 'have a meeting with.' Two months ago he would have been a must-see but now I’m not sure he even knows I’m coming home. And I'm not telling him.
One good thing about being in Korea is that it has given me an osprey’s viewpoint. I am physically removed from all my relationships. It allows me more objectivity and reaffirms who is truly a brother and sister.

Lets try this again.

“Well fiddlesticks!” It has been a while since I’ve updated this here blog… A lot has happened. Currently I am on a bus from Ansan (near my old city) to Icheon. My computer battery has a life expectancy of about an hour so I figure this would be a good, internet-free time I could restart this thing. I’ve been living in Icheon since December when I started working at a small, private boarding Middle and High School. I wish I had been keeping up with this. I feel like I need to play catch up but I will not. I will just start from where I am now though briefly explaining my journey to my current stage of life. My new job is a complete blessing. I feel like the job was tailor-made for me. I had been looking and interviewing for jobs since March of 2011. There were prospects, some offers made, many rejects… and I was very angry with God for not ‘giving’ me a job. And ‘angry’ is a mild expression for the emotion I was feeling. It is hard to explain but I felt such intense resentment for God that I… felt an ‘anger’ towards him I had never experienced. But humbly I can confidently say it was His provision that professionally preserved me for this job. Searching for a new job was exhausting, stressful, and emotional. I was lucky not to HAVE TO have a new job. I was still working at English Village (my old place) and they were very gracious and patient with me. (Thank you so much Park. Sorry for any sass I ever sent your way). I was hoping for a university job or possibly a job with the Korean military. As a back up I started applying for International Schools and some private High Schools. I applied for ATA simply as a ‘safety.’ A man with difficult English contacted me for an interview shortly after I applied (an exciting but not always good sign). Motivated by an excuse to take a day off work, I decided to interview for the ATA job. I was still holding out for a university job so I was not terribly concerned or stressed about my ATA interview. Actually, getting to the interview was not a fun experience. One of the biggest cities in Korea is ‘Incheon’ but I was interviewing in ‘Icheon’ so that damn ‘N’ caused some trouble for me. Also, my contact at ATA was difficult to understand on the phone and in email (and in person -<3 TJN). The day of the interview I took an express bus to Icheon then blindly search for the local bus that would take me to the school. My contact did not tell me how impossible it would be to catch a bus to the school. And he also told me it would be 40 minutes in a taxi. I did not want to pay for a 40 minute taxi ride so I was hell bent on taking the bus… I will sum up that experience with saying it took me over two hours before I settled on taking the taxi… When I arrived at the school for the interview I was so pissed at ‘Tom’ that I had decided, ‘There is no way I am taking this job!’ As I walked up to the school, some students approached me and start talking with me. Then a wiry blond fella comes out and introduces himself and ‘Tom.’ I was surprised and embarrassed that a white person had such ‘undelicious’ English. (I later found out he was German and they don’t speak English there like they do in the movies I’ve seen). Tom leads me to his office but says he is interviewing someone so to wait in the next room. I immediately feel a sense of competition with this unknown person in the office. I’m mentally competing for a job I guaranteed I would not take. Tom shows me to an adjacent room where there are seven teenaged boys actively ‘studying’… I mean playing videogames. I was very uncomfortable. I was in adult-Justin, pretend-to-be-professional mode but then I was in a room with a bunch of kids. I awkwardly tried to make conversation with them but they were not interested. There English was very ‘big.’ As I waited for Tom to finish his interview with the undeserving loser, I talked with the boys. It was through conversing with them and asking questions I started praying that Tom offer me the job. Before I had even interviewed I knew that ATA is where I needed to be. The interview went well. Tom was loose with the start date and that benefited me. One of the things I hate most about myself is my horrible first-impressions and inability to make ‘small-talk’. (It pains me to try to have a conversation with people I newly meet). I haphazardly tried to make jokes but his confused expression was not encouraging. I forget that my humor takes time to… not hate. For example, when we were talking about pay he asked how much I was making and I told him, ‘2.3’… He wrote on a piece of paper that I would be starting out at 2.7. I was shocked and elated. All I remember saying was, ‘Well that would be more wouldn’t it.’ (Notice the period, not a question mark.) But I remember Tom looking at me like I was retarded and couldn’t tell which number was greater. I left the interview feeling confident, but nothing was signed and that is always a bit scary. I return to my English Village and told them that ATA wouldn’t need me until March (which perfectly consigned with the end of my contract). Then a week later, Tom calls and asks if I can start right away. English Village was very kind with me and let me out of my contract, helped me move, and just let me go with limited drama. Now I’ve been at ATA for over five months and I still love it. I cannot imagine a more ideal job. Wait, being Miss and Baylor’s caregiver, REBA’s love slave, or permanent volunteer at Camp Peniel would be better; but in Korea, I could not find a more cohesive job. Wait, maybe being Super Junior’s caregiver, REBA’s love slave, or Big Bang’s permanent English tutor/token white friend would be more cosmic. I want to write more about my job and my kids but not now. Maybe in a couple of months. ;) I spent the weekend with some of my English Village friends and I was saddened by how much I miss them. I wish I could to spend more time with them but I do not miss the job of English Village in any way. It is weird. I miss a lot about Hardin and still feel like part of me is there but if I never see English Village again… I will be okay with that. (That sounds bad but I am not saying that with any animosity).

"Part of a main."

While I was home this past summer I received a lot to mull over. Most significant and pertinent is the context and health of most of my relationships.

Family: Earlier this year while I was here in Korea my Grandmother got cancer and quickly declined. Not being home to say goodbye or to go to her funeral was very difficult. I hate that I've missed things like that but it still isn't enough to bring me back home. While I was home this summer I got to see my Miss y Baby, VaLa, Mom, Dad, Prejean, grandparents, (some) cousins, aunts/uncles... and it all felt the same. Healthy, natural; as if we just picked up where we left off. I think it is a pathetic reflection of my warped, misdirected affections that I miss Miss Berkely more than anyone else. I want to reserve the 'L-word' for only the most deserving and Miss without question qualifies. I LOVE MISS!!!
I got to spend a good amount of time with my VaLa before she had to start school. Dan and everyone else were mostly preparing for school... like usual. It is self-absorbed but I felt like maybe the world should halt because I was home. It was good physically seeing and talking with my family but it was just as it was when I left.
I feel, on the family front, I am at the same intimacy level as I was pre-Korea.
[The exception is my Miss. My feels have only grown stronger. ;)]

Hardin Family: I actually felt jealous while I was back in Hardin. I feel like they have all grown-on without me. Jonesey went off and got knocked up and didn't even ask what I thought the spawns name should be. And they are growing uncomfortably close to my replacement. Some (Mealer) closer than others... But dinner with them was one of my favorite times. I felt like there was a bubble of love and camaraderie engulfing our Chilie's table. I wanted to teach in Korea but with them. Just transport our 'Department of the Century' to Korea. We would be unstoppable. Like the planeteers.
I wonder what powers our rings would hold?
Without a doubt Keys would be 'Heart.' She already pretends to possess the ability to talk to non-human animals.
Mealer and Jonesey... I am not sure what they are most qualified for?
Me... my ring would fire. I like to burn things. But that power doesn't enflame much potential to do good other than provide entertainment.
I imagine Mealer fighting for the 'wind' ring. So he could push people down without having to touch them.
Jones... I keep imaging her as the lady lumberjack she dressed up as for our Department Christmas cards. So I will give her 'earth.'
Either way, 'as our powers combined' we would definitely call our Captain Marberries. Decked out in white in red tights with slick-backed green hair.
I miss them.

I also got to see some of my old students. That was refreshing. I miss some of them. It is needy to want to mean something to them. I just hope that they felt that I cared/care for them.

Friends:
This area of my emotional life was most tricky and confusing.
I met up with some of my closest SFA-friends for an impromtu-road trip. This was the first time I started to feel like I must have changed a lot. I didn't really enjoy the trip. I was glad to see them and I wanted to talk with them. But maybe I was in a bad mood or we just were... off but I didn't enjoy the trip. Well, parts of it. I felt like I was meeting some of my closest friends, people I most genuinely love, for the first time. I didn't really know how to communicate with them. Especially not as intimately and naturally as I could in the past. Instinctively I want to blame them but it happened too often for it to be others.

Being here has terminated (to some degree) many relationships. And in all honesty, I don't think that is a bad thing. Relationships take work and if the players aren't continually together, it takes effort to maintain a deep level of intimacy and community. I thought I was intentional in maintaining specific relationships but maybe some relationships (even if you don't want them to be) are just 'seasonal.'
I wanted to meet up with others more but their schedules didn't really allow it. To be honest I was hurt by that. I thought, "I haven't seen you in over a year! Make time for me!" I thought that if they wanted to, they could find time. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to feed into dying friendships?

Even with my best friend... I couldn't relate to him. A lot has changed for both of us over the past year and 'one' half. It was my weekend with him that revealed how much I have changed. The scary thing is that our relationship has always been firmly based off Christ. So I wonder how far from God I must have drifted if I couldn't even slightly relate to him?

I am not sure what my intent is with saying this. I think it is the most significant thing I learned while I was home and I've spent a lot of time thinking about since then.

My time at Camp and with Jason/Jenny was when I felt most... continuous. As if a year away from my 'real life' didn't effect us at all. They still had Fat-ass and even added to the problem but I still enjoyed my time with them. And that is probably why I stayed with them for the majority of my time in Texas.

"No man is an island"

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


John Donne

What else can I do?

I’m now starting my sixteenth month here. I feel lucky to have been able to go home twice since I started here. My first visit home was for a friend’s wedding and though I was happy to be there going home at that time was s huge mistake. It was very rushed, exhausting and expensive. In a strange way I learned how to go home and that emotional sacrifices will be inevitable. My second trip to The State was better. Mostly because I had six full weeks back home. Towards the end of the six weeks I was bored, out of money and ready to come back. Not working was fun at first but then I just started to feel useless. And I spent an American amount of money on food. But I don’t regret that at all!

One day when my sister and I were in Fredericksburg helping my mom clean/prepare her classroom for the upcoming school year. Doing that reaffirmed that I do not want to come back and teach in the States right now. Also just seeing American kids out in public was a turn off. I liked teaching back home but after being here I don’t feel it is worth it. It is too hard. So much is invested with little return. Plus it always felt like an uphill battle. However, while I was back in Texas I felt like I was home. And I felt, ‘this is who I am and where I was made to be.’ So I started thinking about other careers I could pursue in Texas outside of teaching. The best I could come up with was Starbucks.
I even went by and talked with a Navy and Air Force recruiter.

In all honesty my main motivation for wanting to go back is to get married and start a family. I don’t foresee myself marrying a Korean but I do want Korean kids… So living in a country that is 98% Korean poses a problem in the spousal department. But I could easily sneak away a couple of cute Korean buttons in my pocket if adoption doesn’t work out. I don’t feel old, and I am not too concerned, but I’m 25 and feel like the next step is to ‘settle down.’ But whatever happens will happen.

All those professional and procreation pulls attracting me back home faded away on my first Monday back. I was on my way to my bus stop and saw all the awkward Korean students in their undersized school uniforms on their way to school. And an internal peace engulfed my heart. I want to have a family and I want to be back home (mostly so I can eat bbq and Mexican food) but I don’t want any of those enough to leave here just yet.

Re-Start

A lot has happened since May. I want to do this better. I will try.