I Want to Remove His Veil

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. (vs. 3)

My cousin encouraged me to meditate on 2 Corinthians 4 after reading my blog post ‘A Book.’ I have always admired this cousin and she and her husband are undeniable spiritual mentors and examples for my sister and I. My cousin was trying to comfort me in my emotional mêlée since my allowance for my initially intimate relationship with Byeontae to dissolve into disgust. It sincerely was unintentional. He claims to have really put an end to dating his underage girlfriend (an endeavor he reluctantly braved after receiving pressure from the school [teachers-principal-founder], his parents, and her parents… not his conscious. -A reputable step he was forced to take so his sincerity is questionable). If they truly are no longer together, I praise God. But when I see him, I do not see a guy I used to like or even a student. I see deviant predator. I don't like to see him around any of the Middle Schoolers. I do not know the depths of his perversion and he makes me nervous. And I exhaustively pray that I am wrong and that the Lord allow me to see Byeontae with the same loving and wanting eyes that he views him with.

Regretfully, I realize I ‘cut my losses’ in respects to Byeontae. It was the easiest and safest solution. I thought that I could begrudgingly tolerate him the five hours a week we have to share a room. I hate to throw a wrench into any false notion that teachers like all (or even most) of their students. I’ve taught students I was repulsed by, fearful of, driven insane by… but it is my job not to show my (non-encouraging) feelings. And honestly I am not that good at it. My friends used to make fun of me because they claim to be able to discern my true feelings by the expression on my face. I am self-conscious that Byeontae is receptive of my negative feelings towards him. And that is not fair.

This week we made an appointment to study for a challenging test worth 25% of his grade. Byeontae is smart but the test is specifically onerous. (And it is always a good idea to study with someone who has the answers…) He stood me up for our tutoring appointment. Admittedly I was relieved because I was unsure how spending such intimate time together would turn out given my current perception of him.

My cousin invalidated my feelings revealing how they were motivated by my sin. I was applying my expectations and those were out of his spiritual jurisdiction. She said that his sin was not a personal attack on me but a natural expression of his need for our Savior. She wrote:

“He doesn't have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of him to guide him into all truth… what I DO know is that you have to pray like never before that OUR GOD will remove the veil from his eyes and transfer him from the darkness into the kingdom of His glorious light.  That is his only hope and ours.”

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The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. (vs. 4)

I am in no position to judge anyone. And though all will be held accountable to God’s judgment, Byeontae is not a believer and desperately needs the Holy Spirit to guide his life today. I’ve been praying that the Lord grant me forgiveness and if not, that he mend our impaired relationship. The motivation is no longer personal or social, rather professionally and spiritual. I mustered all the restraint I could and Friday after school I offered to meet with him at some time in the weekend to study with him if he wanted. He declined. His rejection might have been personally motivated or he might actually be busy. Either way, I feel like I did my best.
An immature and arrogant part of my sinful heart wants him to do poorly on his test to reiterate how much he needs me but that is trash. The more reflective part of me (though often weaker) wants to shine the light of the Gospel to this guy. And God has given me that light. I hope to illuminate Chris’s love and freedom to Byeontae and my other kids.   

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. (vs. 6)

Self-preservation

When I was at Hardin, my Social Studies family always joked that we should document all the inconceivable things that happened to us so we could turn it into a television show. I am not sure if the show would end up being a comedy or tragedy. For the most part, if the life of a teacher were turned into a television series it would be a dramatic-comedy. When I was in high school, I remember watching a show by David E. Kelly called ‘Boston Public’. Essentially it was a four season series that, at-times, accurately (yet dramatically) presents real issues teachers experience and struggle through.

My favorite character was the crotchety, offensive Jew: Harvey Lipchitz. Most David E. Kelly shows had a fundamental sex appeal and Harvey provided much needed eye-candy. I recently rewatched the series and it was an endearing, personal experience. I’ve been teaching for just five years yet I can directly and intimately relate to some of the stories presented in the show.
In one episode one of the newbie teachers wasn’t comfortable with wearing a tie and wanted to dress more casually. I never struggled with this but Harvey, the seasoned statesman, aggressively chastises him informing him that if he wants to be respected he needs to dress professionally. It is true. My slacks and tie are a form of armor that I wear to maintain a balance of power with my students. When I am wearing casual clothes, I feel more vulnerable and exposed.

I finished the final season a couple of weeks ago. One storyline harmoniously coincided with a personal experience I’ve being drudging through. As I’ve mention in previous postings, I’ve struggle in my relationship with and perception of one of my students (‘Byeontae’). In Boston Public, the Physics teacher (Miss Torres) identified with and becames emotionally entangled with one of her sophomore students. In the begging Miss Torres was drawn into the life of her student out of concern of the company the student was keeping and the choices she was making. My relationship with Byeontae was more platonic and (I believed) based on mutual respect and interest. As Boston Public’s fictional relationship progressed, Miss Torres realized how powerless she devotedly was; and despite her genuine concern for the interest of the student, it was no longer healthy to be as emotionally involved as she had become. I too hit that level of despair. In their final dialogue, Miss Torres confesses that she was wrong to have gotten as involved as she had (as I similarly feel now). She tried to justify her involvement but concluded the conversation confessing, 

“[The] sermons over. I’m going to let go of you now. And I wish I could say I was doing it for you but I’m not. I’m doing it because I have to. Self-preservation.”

Her tearful pardon was poignant. I too feel like I had to ‘let go’ of any relationship with Byeontae. I thought that I was helping a friend but it was tearing me up.

Middle of East Texas

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I realize my mentality has been on the extreme end of the emotional spectrum lately. And thus these blog entries have been a bit heavy. So I want to share a story that made me ‘lol’.
If you’ve had the pleasure of meeting my father this will be a brazilion times funnier. If you haven’t imagine a 2010 Rooster Cogburn when you envision my father. [Truly, when I saw Jeff Bridges in True Grit I felt like he had followed my father around to mirror his mannerism and speech patterns.] 

For the past couple of months my sister has been dating a guy I will call Tamra. I’ve met Tamra a couple of times and I like him. However, I’ve informed my sister if he has any interested of pursuing a deeper relationship with her that it is customary (from my perspective) that Tamra ask for my blessing. I am not exceedingly concerned for the emotional well being of my sister. I need to look after my Miss and her brother. I cannot entrust the care of my favorite niece and her brother to anyone. Miss and Baby have unique emotional needs. I need to be conscious whom my sister exposes them to. –He has yet to ask for my permission to pursue any relationship with my sister so I am under the assumption they are simple acquaintances. 

Tamra is not white, black, or Asian thus in my dad’s mind, he is Mexican. When I was home this past February my dad asked me if I knew anything about Jessi’s “new Mexican friend.” Since Tamra is Egyptian and not Mexican, I justified withholding the truth by saying, I don’t know of any of Jessi’s Mexican friends.
[I like Tamra (besides the fact he hasn’t sought my approval to pursue my sister (if that is what he is doing?)) and I don’t care if he is red, yellow, black, or white.  Actually I would prefer Korean but my influence only goes so far with my stubborn sister… Honestly, I was more disappointed that Tamra is a Yankee than his ethnic background.]

My aunt told me that my dad was asking her and her husband about Jessi’s “new Mexican friend” and my uncle corrected him. My uncle told him that he wasn’t Mexican but Middle Eastern. Abashed, my slow-speaking, good-ole-boy father responds with, “I hope you mean the Middle of East Texas!”
Unintentionally, my father can be really funny. 

-Also, when I was in university I had to do a genealogy report and so I asked my dad where we were from and he proudly said, "The G-town!" (Garrison, Texas -point A on the map). I was expecting more a more ancestral answer.  I still don't know which European country we're descended from. For some reason my dad seemed uncomfortable answering these questions. As if he were trying to protect our proud family line. The furthest back my dad would admit to was, "I think some of us are from Chireno." (which my dad pronounces, 'sha-reen-ner.' -point B on the map. An exhausting 26 miles away.)
We are a proud people!

A Book

[I suggest you read 'Closing a Chapter or Book?' before reading this post]

The Lord is provisional. As I mentioned in other blog postings, I’ve been terribly troubled the past couple of weeks. Amid multiple factors (stress at work, isolation, concern for/of perverted students…) I found myself in prayer often. And I can see how the Lord has delivered me from the state I was in six weeks ago.

The majority of my emotional bipolar responses were because of one student: Byeontae. In the past, I was torn because I felt we were ‘friends’. Then as weeks went on I struggled because the Byeontae I knew and the true Byeontae were no longer the same person. I was torn. I wanted to maintain a close relationship with him but it was becoming impossible.
 
This past weekend I wrote a letter. It was to him but I have no intention of giving it to him. I just wrote it because I was stressed and anxious and felt I needed to release my fears. I’m sharing a modified version of the letter as praise to God. I truly see the past six weeks as an act of deliverance. God has faithfully delivered me from a dangerous and unhealthy relationship. (That I know was inappropriate from the beginning).

Byeontae, 

            I’m writing this knowing that I will not give it to you. I just want a way to express myself and I no longer feel it is appropriate to talk personally with you anymore. That truth is sad for me but I am glad to have learned it. I know it was unintentional but you have caused me a lot of pain and anguish these past couple of weeks. I feel like I am a wiser person for it though and that is rewarding. The biggest professional lesson I have learned is that I CANNOT get too close to my students. I am glad the Lord has shown me my mistake but I am now confused how I can approach relationships with my students in the future. It is my purpose in life (right now) to love and serve my students. To give my ‘life’ to them and love them like Jesus loves them. I do not do that well but that is my purpose. I made the mistake of becoming attached to you. I know in the future I need to be more guarded with my kids. That is good. I just hope it doesn’t make them feel as if I am disinterested in their lives. Finding a balance will be difficult. But I need to keep my distance. I now see that my feelings and actions towards you were not beneficial for either of us. 

            You, your parents, the child, and her parents are having a meeting today at school. I am curious what will happen. I wish I were a fly on the wall (with a Korean fly next to me to translate for me). I don’t want to ask you what happened because I think your perspective is a bit skewed. And I’m sure the school will not tell us what happened so I am left to wonder. I still really want to know. Miss Craft told me I should ‘cut my losses’ and disconnect completely from you. But I still don’t want to, even after all the deception. If you and the child are still together after today I will have to completely detach myself from all you are. 

            My job is such a huge part of my life. I believe how I do my job and the type of job I have reflects the type of person I am. If I were to ‘cut you out’ it would mean that I am not strong and a quitter. It is hard to quit on someone who, I see, needs a lot of help. I thought I was helping you by being honest and clear with you but, reflectively, I see I was just ‘pissing into the wind’ (as my dad says). I know it is self-righteous to have hoped that my advice would have made an effect on you. I feel so foolish. But that is okay. I now see that my perspective of you, and us, was off.  

I am ambivalent because part of me truly admires that you did what you wanted no matter what EVERYBODY (with a moral compass) told you. I only wish you would have stood apart on a different issue. Like everybody was telling you to study medicine but you wanted to follow your heart and study rhythmic dance. I wish you hadn’t drawn your line in the sand on an issue other than dating children. 

Oh… it still just makes me sick. Personally I am conservative but my Ron Paul has introduced the Libertarian perspective. I sincerely believe that everybody has the God-given freedom to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t bring harm to others. And you do not see this but what you are doing is bring harm to your underage girlfriend. This is where I wish I had been… more significant to you. I wish you would have believed me even if you didn't understand what I was telling you. I try to sympathize with your situation and I think that if I had been in your position, 18 year old me wouldn’t have listened to anyone else either. [Again, It is impossible to put myself in your specific situation because I would have NEVER thought of dating a 7^th grader.] Truthfully, I know I wouldn’t have believed or trusted most adults. I did not have someone who loved me enough, or that I trusted enough, to advise me the way I tried to counsel you. But I wish I had...

            My biggest fear is that y’all’s parents, for some perverse reason, agree to let y’all date. If that happens, my entire feelings towards Koreans will change. I already am astounded that you haven’t been teased or ostracized by the other students. The fact that they are not disgusted appalls me. If I were your child-girlfriend’s father, I would immediately come to this school, beat you up, then withdraw my little girl from this school and dangerous situation. And if I were your father, I would immediately come to school and beat the hell out of you. I wish I had met your parents before all of this. Do you fear or realize that your actions directly reflect on them? When I was in High School, I wanted to do a lot of bad things but a pertinent motivation for me to stay straight was that I didn’t want to hurt or embarrass my parents. I had a good reputation with my teachers because both of my parents were their co-workers. I had to be respectable or they would think less of my mom and dad. I haven’t met many students’ parents but honestly, it is hard to think highly of some of them because of the character of their children… I remember when I was moving into my new classroom at my first teaching job. One of the parents came up to me, gave me her information, and encouraged me to call her if I ever needed anything. She actually said, “If Carson ever gives you any problems, beat his ass.” –Honestly, I was terrified but Carson ended up being one of my favorite kids I’ve ever taught. He wasn’t a great student but he was a good guy. It is a parent’s job to instruct their kids on how to behave and the proper things to value. And your behavior (in dating a child, perpetually bold-face lying, intentionally being deceitful, etc…) reflects poorly.

            I now realize that even if you were to break up with your under-aged girlfriend, end this cruel game of playing with her, stop manipulating her, and even ask for forgiveness… I don’t think I can ever respect you. At first I thought it was because I still felt personally insulted by your deception. I can’t see you as anything other than a man who justifies dating a child even after multiple people advised you against it.
 
            I remember my mom joking with me when I was a senior in High School that she found one of her Middle School students to arrange a marriage with me. My mom’s intent was just to say that she really liked this little 8^th grader but I remember being extremely embarrassed. I had known the girl but always thought of her as a "little Middle Schooler.” I fear you are really sick. I no longer think you just made a careless mistake. I fear for the other students because of you. You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You put on a safe, inviting front but it is just a façade. The real you is disgusting and shocking…

            For the past couple of weeks I’ve had a prayer list where I pray for certain students and teachers each day. You are on my Wednesday list. Three weeks ago I was praying that:
1. The Lord reveals his love and Salvation to you. And that you have a personal, powerful relationship with Christ.
2. That I love you well and that we grow closer together.
3. That you find your purpose in life and confidently pursue that purpose.  
But the past two weeks I’ve just prayed that the Lord reveal his plan of Salvation to you, that you not be a child molester, and that I not hate you. (I don’t hate you. I just don’t understand you. And I do hate the threat you are to others.)

            Oh Byeontae. The Lord has revealed so much to me in the past couple of weeks through you. For that I am grateful. I just wish things had been different. I’ve been to the Han a couple of times

and each time I am reminded that I’ve lost a (potential) brother. But that is fine. And honestly, I don't know if that is true anymore. Things haven’t worked out as I would have planned but, they are what they are. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”          -Romans 8:28

            I love God. I know he loves me. so I’ve just got to trust him and his purpose. He loves you too, more than I can explain. I am sincerely sorry I couldn’t show you better.

In .love.
Jp

I still do not know his relationship status with the child. He had told me multiple times they are not together and each time, that was a lie. So I wouldn’t believe what he tells me now anyway. I also doubt all the conversations we had. I’ve devalued the intimacy I felt we shared because it wasn’t real. What he said, what we talked about… must have all been lies. 

I see God’s deliverance in the revelation of the reality of my situation. No matter what I thought Byeontae was or could be… it doesn’t matter. He is a liar. And I can’t be friends or have any semblance of a healthy relationship with someone who is relentlessly dishonest with me. Also, he unabashedly breaks school rules. And the nail in the coffin is: he is a pervert.
Now that I see who he really is, I don't want anything to do with that kind of person (which is hard to admit). 

I remember when we were at the Han I told him I thought he was ‘strong’ because he appeared to be an individual and boldly stood alone. I now see that he ‘stands alone’ because he doesn’t seem to have any real friends. Sadly, I think he will be flying solo for a long time (unless he manipulates another child into a relationship with him). He cannot be a friend to anyone or be anyone’s friend if he is not honest. 

Closing this ‘book’ in my life was made easier because the ‘friend’ I thought I would find in him, is not the type of person he genuinely is.  

Closing a Chapter or Book?

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The past three weeks brought me through an emotional journey and exposed my biggest professional mistake I’ve made. I’ve felt humiliation, rejection, and disappointment but thankfully, I am confidently resting in joy. The joy that God graciously protects me especially in my weakness.

I don’t want to ‘spare the long story’ because these feelings and experiences are some that I should not forget.

In March my school (broke my contract and) forced me to move onto our campus. Already, I live in BFE and my job consumes the majority of my week. Therefore I was not looking forward to physically living thirty yards from my classroom. I have no separation in my life. Personal and professional areas have blended together to where I’ve lost any hint of an independent life. Retrospectively, I see that my job’s emotional and time consumption skewed my personal judgment. The environment is unarguably unhealthy. 

 

Usually I jet out off campus as soon as I possibly can on Fridays after lunch but five weeks ago I was here on a Friday night. Coincidentally, so was one of my students (I will call him Byeontae). I wanted to get to know him better so I asked him to town. The majority of the out-of-class time I spend personally with my students still feels like I am working. I was nervous about inviting Byeontae to dinner. I had only talked with him once before and I just wanted to be kind. The evening out with him was far easier then I was expecting. I am a terrible socializer. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in failed attempts to make conversation. But talking with Byeontae, it was effortless and natural. So much so that I asked to meet him the following weekend.

The Han River is my favorite place in all of Seoul and the cherry blossoms were supposed to have bloomed. Byeontae and I made plans to go walking and to play badminton. We didn’t end up going to the cheery blossoms or playing badminton, we just walked along the Han for hours. I calculated we walked around ten miles. During our time, I felt like I was talking to one of my old ‘brothers’ back in Texas. I started to perceive him not as my student but rather as a friend. I know that failure was solely my mistake. And that is the professional misadventure I’ve painfully learned.

I remember when we were about to separate I told him I was struggling with how I classify our interactions. I hadn’t treated him as a student and honestly, and I didn’t want to. I thought that I had met someone (unfortunately ten years younger than me) and could build a relationship similar the ones I miss back home. A relationship I am lacking here.
Strangely though, while we were at the Han one of my Middle School girls was continually texting him. I teased him a little but shortly after, promised to stop because ‘I know nothing is going on…’

Well, I was wrong. It turns out that they were dating. In my mind, I cannot honestly fathom that. How could this guy that I liked so much, that I found so interesting and challenging, that I respected and thought highly of… How could this 18 year old man pursue a relationship with a 13 year old girl?!!? I asked him the same thing and he assured me they were ‘just close friends’. To that I asked, “Why?!” How can an 18 year old man be close friends with a Middle School girl?!

Though his actions scream something contrary, I believed him. It is a little pathetic, but this girl has had a little crush on 80% of the boys in our school. However, all the older guys in the past have naturally said you’re too young in response to her advances.
And that's what I thought it was. I thought the girl was pursuing Byeontae and he was just too kindhearted to tell her to buzz off. Again, I was wrong. He and I were still periodically socializing while they were dating but I just thought she was a crush that he couldn’t shake. I now see that my affection for him blinded me to his true character and the reality of the situation. 

In the following weeks they continued dating yet I was (weekly) telling him he was wrong. And he habitually lied to me reassuring me that "they were not dating" or "were no longer dating". I don’t blame the girl for liking him at all. I, 100% and full heartedly, put the blame on him: the man, the adult. I am satisfied that I did everything I could to clearly communicate to him that what he was doing was morally wrong, manipulative, dishonorable, and perverted. Clearly, he did not care. My biggest regret is that I didn’t officially bring my fears to the administration. I sincerely feel the girl is at risk and I view Byeontae as a real, dangerous predator taking advantage of her. I feel powerless to do anything.
I see now that the reason I didn’t tell the administration earlier was because I was trying to protect him and our ‘friendship’. I’ve since learned that it wasn’t only me encouraging them to stop. The administration had known about it longer than I and had known more about it then I had. 

I asked him one time what his parents must think of him dating a 13 year old child. He said they wouldn’t care as long as he was respectful. I think the fact that he is cruely taking advantage of her lacks real respect. I see now that he was just lying to me (again). If I had an 18 year old son dating a child, I would beat the hell out him. And if my 7^th grade daughter was dating an 18 year old man, I would take her out of the school.
I am also confused with why the others students don't harass him about it? Sadly, I think they don't care about him or her. I'm pretty sure I would have been making fun of any senior in the class of 2004 if they were dating a 7th grader!
Byeontae is new to our school and this situation makes me wonder why he left his former, more reputable school. I asked him twice before why he transferred midway through his senior year and he was slightly evasive. The answer he gave me seemed strange so I wonder if he is hiding something. Maybe he got in trouble for molesting a younger student at his old school?
I don't know what to think anymore. 

In the past three weeks my relationship with Byeontae has completely deteriorated. I battle to even look at him without feeling squeeze. When I see him and the child together, heat radiates in my chest and I clench my fist… and I just want to punch him in the face. But I can’t do that.
I can’t even look at him… I don't know if I’ve ever knowingly seen such a dangerous situation and felt so incapable of fixing it.

The most confusing truth is that I still really like him. I am conflicted because when I think of him, I see a perverted liar that pretends to be a respectable person. Yet selfishly, I’m torn because I still want to spend time with him and I deeply value the time we spent together. But I can’t get past the fact that he thinks it is justifiable to date little girls. Even if they break up (which I have been praying everyday, multiple times a day, that they do), I cannot vindicate him claiming it was an innocent mistake. He made an intentional decision that he still defends.

Three weeks ago I was assigned to work one-on-one with him for a specific department within the school. When we went to vote for my new student-leader, everybody voted for him except me (and one other). I withheld because I had already started to feel repulsed by him. I tried my best to work with him because I think as a teacher; you never want to ‘give up’ on a kid. In Texas I know I taught criminals, mental cases, perverts, losers, druggies, drug dealers, etc. but I thought that it was my job to love and serve them despite what they’ve done. But I felt like working for him was the same as condoning his perverse behavior.

I liken it to my presidential votes. I’ve been able to vote in three presidential elections and with each ballot I cast, I am extremely proud of how I voted. Even though 66% of them lost, I wouldn’t have changed which circle I bubbled (or what name I wrote in). But I am embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with him. Earlier this week I resigned from my position. I think he knew it was coming because I had told him when I was first assigned to him that I didn’t vote for him and felt uncomfortable being around him. Before I quit, I met with him hoping to explain my position. The explanation turned into a two-hour conversation. I feel justified in how I’ve treated him. I was as honest and faithful as I know how to be.

As a teacher, I failed him because I put unfair expectations on him.
As a ‘friend’, I treated him better than he treated me. (And that is expected because: 1. It was inappropriate to consider him a ‘friend’. 2. He obviously isn’t the type of person worth my trust and respect.)
As a person, I just want to kick him in the testicles until he doesn’t have a predilection for anyone ever again.
As a Christian I don't know how to treat him. I pray that I treat him with respect and that I love and try to ‘forgive’ him (but I don’t know what I need to forgive him of? Selfishly I feel betrayed. But I it is wrong of me to feel that. How do I forgive him of taking advantage of a child? That isn’t my role? And he is still taking advantage of her?). I do pray that he and I have a healthy relationship no matter what the context.
-One of my friends I confessed this whole situation to humbly delivered a blow to the scrotum by this rebuke: “Just as inappropriate it is for him to date the child, it is equally as inappropriate that you’ve befriended a student.”
I tried to defend myself but that truth has freed myself of some of the desire to maintain a friendship with Byeontae.

The most confusing part is that if this whole situation hadn’t happened I truly feel like I would have found a ‘brother’ to 'do life with'. It is hard to explain but I related and conversed with him comparably as I do with my ‘best bffs’. I know that is why I feel so hurt by the whole situation.

The Lord is faithful. I am humiliated by my professional misstep but I'm grateful for the correction. I do feel the Lord is changing my heart towards him. I think I will forgive his betrayal in time (if there is a future to our friendship). But I don't know how to approach his... inclination. How do I compartmentalize that?

Accidentally Cultured

 It is sad how I’ve come across pieces of classical literature or art. I’ve blogged once before about how I learned ‘To Thine own self be true…” was in fact an original line from Shakespeare and not a Reba McEntire song. It was also through pop-culture that I learned of the poem by John Donne: No Man Is An Island.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

I first heard that poem referenced in the Hugh Grant movie, ‘About A Boy’. The truth that no man is an island was echoed after I read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I always felt it a weakness to need others or anything. I was conflicted because I knew I was one of the neediest people created. No Man is an Island beautifully illustrates how willing or unwilling we are all connected. We are all part of the whole. That is humbling and empowering. I am not weak because I want a friend’s trust, a brother’s intimacy, an employer’s honesty, or a yorkie’s forced kisses… The poem speaks of universal connectivity… I interpret it (at this stage in my life) as a pass on needing others. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together applies a pungent spiritual truth to this aching need I struggle with. He says that fellowship is not essential to a relationship with Christ, rather it is a blessing and helps maintain a relationship with the Lord. 

I’ve been troubled by my need to need for the past couple of weeks. Then, through a series of events, my need for intimacy and how it impaired my judgment was cautiously revealed.
I am not ashamed to confess that I have few real friends here in Korea. And I do not use the word friend lightly. I reserve it for my most intimate and genuine relationships. I have many acquaintances or ‘friends from work’ but in Korea, I don’t have ‘people to do life with’. Bonhoeffer’s profound truth sucks to realize.

My school encourages us to build intimate relationships with the kids and that is one philosophy I enthusiastically accept. If I were to read about my life in a book or watch my story played out on a depressing, poorly scripted drama, I would think my character quite pathetic. I have little outside of my job. I give too much to a machine that just consumes. And honestly, I am okay with that. My hope is that, in the future I will have a family or a dog at least that desires more of my attention thus limiting the amount of energy I give my job. But as it is now, that is not in the cards for me so I look at my kids and classes as my foremost obligation.
A couple of weeks ago I asked one of my students to dinner and a movie. We had a couple more meals together and socialized on the weekend. And through our time together I started to view him as my ‘friend’ rather than my student. It was confusing for me because I naturally compartmentalize people and relationships. Professionally I’ve always tried to connect with kids that I’m drawn to while maintaining an appropriate distance. It was easier in the States because socializing outside of school was culturally not acceptable. But here my school and the parents encourage spending extra time with the students.

Through our personal time together I started to view and converse with this student as a peer rather than his teacher. And I intentionally chose to consider him a friend foremost and a student second. Retrospectively, that was a mistake. I let my personal relationship cloud my perception of him. In the previous weeks he engaged in behavior I could not understand or condone. Mistakes are mistakes and I could forgive a friend for making mistakes but he was untruthful with me. That is a quality I struggle to forgive in a friend. Students lie all the time, and I forgive them. It’s hard to trust them again, but I forgive. And the mistakes that he made causes me to question his true character and integrity.

I blame myself for my poor decision. I allowed my job to consume too much and blind me. I need separation from my school. I hate living there and physically being at work from Sunday to Friday. It is unhealthy and effecting my judgment and attitude.

Tonight I was talking to a friend about my predicament and he said it was inappropriate for me to consider not only a student a friend but an 18 year old my friend. I think he is right. Though I justify my actions thinking, my student was different.

I was (and am) not happy having to experience the pain and confusion this ordeal has brought me but I do like that I’ve learned invaluable lessons.
1. I need a pet. I need something outside of work to give my attention to.
2. I must separate my work life and my real life.
3. I will be more cautious when considering ‘friends’.  

"No Man is an Island..." Hugh Grant tries to maintain his independence while justifying his connection with others by saying, "Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island chains. Underneath, they are connected..." I will settle for that. 

Say what you mean and be mean about what you say.

I know I do not keep this blog thing going well. But I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I have significant, poignant things to share but then forget within three minute. At one time I even started a list titled, ‘Things to Blog About.' Then I promptly lost it.  

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Thanks Gandhi.

One thing that has emotively be cycling in recent experiences is the power of people’s words. Within he past couple of months I experienced some uncomfortable truths. I will not even begin to say I do not lie but I try not to. And in seasoned Christian fashion, I’ve learned how to justify my half-truths or avoid telling the truth while not telling a lie. I consider myself emotionally reclusive with most people. And I like that. I feel like the intimacy of my emotional commitments weakens if they are shared with many people. However, I do consider myself to be truthful. I would rather be told something hurtful if it is the truth. I will be upset and defensive but it is the truth; there is no argument against the truth.

The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are those living a lie.

Working with kids I’ve learned that honor, trustworthiness, respectability are things that must be taught. They are not inherent. Our sin-nature knows how to ‘protect’ ourselves. I sincerely feel like I treat my students well. I try to be respectful to them and treat them as I feel people should treat each other I feel that as a teacher, and more importantly, as a Christian, my purpose is to serve and love my kids. And God knows I would not choose many of the students I have however, I consider our divine placement together part of the beauty of our Father. He puts kids in my class that need something from me or I need to learn something from them. His plan is always perfect.

This past semester I had two different experiences with students concerning the value of their word. I have one student whom I care deeply for. He is really special to me. I love him, yet he drives me crazy! But I think that is part of the reward of being his teacher. I’ve told my kids multiple times I would rather they tell me a painful truth than to ever lie to me. That I would respect them more if they were truthful rather than deceitful. Sadly, truthfulness isn’t always a ‘Korean character trait.' Anyway, this student had the unfortunate reputation of lying to other teachers but I never remember him lying to me. He unashamedly would tell the truth no matter how embarrassing it was and that was one of the things I found most refreshing about him. But then came the day when he lied to me. It truly hurt my heart. I don’t remember what he lied about but I remember it wasn’t a big deal. It wouldn’t have been mad if he had told me the truth. But knowing he was lying to me caused all my trust to dissolve away. I know my aspirations for him are too lofty but since that day, I haven’t been able to commit to him. That is one good thing about being on vacation, I will go back and get to start all over with him and trust him as much as I used to. Conversely there is another student who lies all the time and I have no respect for or positive feelings towards. If they were to tell me that I was a huge REBA fan and that Miss Berkley was the most beautiful girl in the world I would doubt it… and my entire reason for living.
I feel nothing but annoyance when they now lie to me but they introduced a new angle of untruthfulness to me. They told lies about me to others and most importantly to my boss. Luckily this kid has a shameful reputation as a pathological liar so my boss didn’t believe him. It still made me feel so vulnerable and violated. I wish I could go back to school in March with the same ‘forgive and forget’ attitude I have towards my other kid but realistically, the likelihood of that is nonexistent. I’ve actually heard multiple sermons about forgiveness and how God’s forgiveness is like a brazillion times greater than any forgiveness we could give others… So I feel convicted to forgive the kid but when I visualize their face or hear their name, a heat wave radiates from my heart… so, baby steps.

Those are experiences with kids so I cannot gauge them as I do interactions with normal people. No matter how much power I allow them to have over my feelings, I do realize they are just kids and I am their teacher.

I recently felt a greater sense of betrayal when I heard that someone I considered a close friend had told others about a maiden I had a crush on. Writing that, I know it is extremely juvenile. And honestly, I don’t care that people know I had a crush on said lady. So the fact that the ‘secret’ is out doesn’t bother me. But I confided in him as a peer and brother. I would like to think I wouldn’t betray someone like that. Now I sadly feel like he is ‘just someone I used to know.’ I am on the plane home and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to contact people to 'have a meeting with.' Two months ago he would have been a must-see but now I’m not sure he even knows I’m coming home. And I'm not telling him.
One good thing about being in Korea is that it has given me an osprey’s viewpoint. I am physically removed from all my relationships. It allows me more objectivity and reaffirms who is truly a brother and sister.